Post Break up

Well, been a pretty busy last couple of weeks, I broke up with the nurse a little over a week ago.  Ironic coming off a 2 day stint of having sex with her repeadedly in a hotel room.  She said she loved me, I stupidly said I loved her back.  I had forced myself to not answer her calls (which had increased to about 3 a day) until I answered one of them and told her ‘I cant keep seeing you.’

To any outsider it might seem somewhat stupid, after all this was a women in her 40s, had kids, STILL MARRIED, had a busy job, but I didn’t know any of this when I first met her, her looks hid her age (thought maybe 30s honestly).  When I found out that the husband still lived at her house it became obvivous she was decitful in at least some capcity when she said it was over with him and trying to move on.

Anyway the call was tearful, she was begging me to not leave ‘but I miss you so much’ ‘are you sure’ ‘how do you know there is no future with us!?’ ‘my husband just wont leave’ ‘you arent going to live there forever’, anyway the call ended when she said ‘our song’ came on the radio, was crying and hung up.

I cried pretty good, this was a women who I actually ‘loved’ in some sense, we had sex a lot and she read my book, we could be open around each other, plus I felt bad ‘hurting’ her.

2 days later i got an email from her ‘are you sure about this?’ and thats all it wrote, messed with me a bit.

Then about yesterday a new feeling came in: anger.  (Please dont mention that stupid shit of DABDA, I really hate that model)

I started to become pissed and hateful at her: how the hell could she say she loved me and NOT GIVE A SHIT I JUST DUMPED HER!?  How could she do and say all these things and just let me walk out with a single email sentence?  I can’t believe all her lies I finally allowed myself to accept.

How much she utterly fucked with me about ‘oh I’ll come visit that city you are in this week’ and itd be a week of silence then ‘oh sorry, too busy to make it!~’

How she would text me, then go silent if it went in a direction she didnt like

How I couldn’t EVER call her

How my sacrafices apparently were nothing and she was risking ‘everything’ to be with me for some cock.

How weak I was that I feel for someone who was so worthless to me.

How utterly arrogant she was, how she was the hero of the entire state for flight trauma nurse, disgusting how I believed it and it cut down my own self-image.

 

I have a dark burning anger towards her, its strange given that I ‘loved’ her about 2 weeks ago as we were having sex, but anger burns away delusion like the last BPD girl.  I have a problem being attracted to cluster b personaility types, and I am working on it, but she is out of her, and I am improving.

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The danger of secrets and chasing sex at cost of family

I am going to relate a short tale of a lesson I learned this week, it involves me chasing sex too much at the cost of my family and the lies necessary to make it happen.

I took a week off to come back to see my family and my sister who was in town, we had some plans for events.  I also had a women in the wings I would be having sex with (the milf/nurse).

From the get-go it required lies, because I would have to dip out of family dinners etc to go pounding.  Sitting here at the end, I realize how stupid I was for falling victim to this addictive desire.  I am close to my family, and to have to lie is a huge rarity, so what, so I could go hook up with an older woman who I shouldnt even be bothering with anyway.

What really hit home was I took my motorcycle out ‘for a ride’ but to go see the milf to pound, later my dad told me my sister was worried about me, that I was out gone so long but must have been ‘meditating’.  I was a bit crushed inside, she had this grand vision of me, and what the fuck was I doing?  LYING and fucking some women I shouldnt be involved with.

I could tell things about how the nurse told me how much I matter to her, how she cried (a very human thing I might add) at me leaving her for a while, or how sex with her is no holds barred…but wtf is the point?  I havent seen my sis in months, and my parents/dogs in a while either and I was lying to them to slam some pussy.

It was a dark reminder to me of how deep I had fallen.  The ‘relationship’ with the nurse is confusing, one-way and likely going to end bad (she either tries to trap and I bail, or she was using me all along) but my relationship with my family is real, and I was sacraficing it.

This is for myself and anyone reading it, PUA/MGTOW etc somewhat preach sex as the be all end all, but after a week of debauchery I look back on it and think ‘holy shit, I may never see some of my family again, and I was wasting these hours fucking some woman’

It is painful, but I am going to internalize how very secondary sex is to much more important things.

Remember the basics with women: Actions > Words

I am going to present to you two girls in my life that are ready to get the boot from my mind as a lesson for those occasionally stuck in girl’s wiles.  I am no pro, far from it, but I have come a very long way and can offer you advice simply based on how addicted I was at times to girls, and how it occasionally resurfaces.

The two girls are two recent slams of mine, this 19 year old and this MILF, for a very brief reminder, I took 19yo virginity about a year ago, I never esp. liked her by she was someone I hung out with and always wished that she was more entertaining but lacked a key vital spark, MILF was a ONS that was a pretty sick take down I wrote about, she was a crazy fun fuck – really lack inhibitions, guess the rumor of nurses being good lays is true.

I treated 19yo kind of like shit, mainly because I knew there was no future and she existed to see how much I could craft her sexuality and how much a girl would take in terms of abuse.  I pushed it pretty hard with a different girl in the past, and in this regard they are stunning.  Her major issue other than lacking energy was this independence/defiance, and she was conservative so this wasnt a liberal thing.  To any girl reading this: DEFIANCE/’INDEPENDENCE’ IS NOT HOT AT ALL – despite anything your fat single friends tell you.

I’d have kicked her earlier, but it was so funny watching this girl, I could get her to drive 10 hours for a fuck and remorselessly kick her out of my truck and busting a nut, I was a bit stunned at my coldness, but she would always be back.  She has been at college a year now, and while I could tolerate her at first, she thinks she is real cute playing games like waiting to text back, being vague etc, the change is definitely notable to me.

Whats funny though, if beyond an intellectual amusement I give a shit about her, I broke her pretty far to my sexual will, and she will have a tough time finding a guy that was like EK in bed.  But thats what happens, when a girl is shitty or evasive I could give a shit about keeping them around, in that regard I have grown so much from the desperation I once had.  I read bodybuilding forum a lot and most of those guys on there are messes with girls, and these are guys you’d expect to be at least a bit of a cut above given a physicality, but guys, you need to get with the program here: WHEN GIRLS ARE BITCHES LET THEM GO AND SPARE YOURSELF SOME PRIDE.

19yo is easy, she is just evasive/unresponsive, its easy to see that for what it is, a ploy to get you to come back harder or that she has moved on, either way your move is same: abort.

MILF took me a bit longer to figure her ploy, we met and fucked a few times after, and she has this thing about being secret from the divorced father and calls me on public phones, weird I know but she always shows up for the fuck and I never thought much about it.  She started getting a lot more relationshipy for a while there, calling and texting how she was thinking about me etc, she actually is pretty cool and I mistakenly allowed myself the thought that you can be good friends with a girl and also fuck buddies – you can’t.  Guys develop feelings too easy generally except when at a full arms length like I kept the 19yo.

Anyway, so thats not where it ends, it perhaps seems like simple ‘old lady wants beta relationship’ but see that where it gets fun, because what I realized was it was a rather skillful strategy she was running, gradually building up her attention to me mixed with completely wild sex, promise me more sex…and then gradually dial it down.  It was subtle, and honestly I dont know if its consciously calculated or simply a result of innate girl abilities, but slow it down enough that I get addicted to intermittent reinforcement to her, and that I start chasing HER.  For reference I would her from her about every 2-3 days and get 1-2 emails a week.

It hit me when I wrote a short paragraph email to her – she had been writing me, and remember I thought we were ‘good friends’ and then a few days later a simple ‘thinking of you 🙂 ‘ -which by the way is nearly the EXACT same line the BPD girl who fucked me up used all the time which makes me think its an established girl routine.  But it hit me in that I was getting in over my head, that a MILF i fucked on occasion I was developing feelings for, and I saw with clarity how skillfully she was trying to get me into her web.  It was no accident I hadn’t heard from her in a week, before she had been talking how she was making plans to come visit me any weekend now, and that the only email was a dumb 3 word thing amidst the silence.  She was trying to game me, friends don’t game friends.

It slapped me a bit, but it sobered me up, once pre-bpd girl I would have clung to this email, yay, she is thinking of me.  But girls actions are EVERYTHING, girls will drives hours to fuck you, and if they aren’t answering a text or email it is entirely for a reason.

Again, it doesn’t really matter the reason, either she no longer likes you, you pushed to hard, she is trying to game you and the answer is always the same: disengage.  You may not need to abandon completely, but none of those reasons are good for you and only by pulling back, realizing it, can you ever salvage anything.

NEVER EVER make excuses, oh she must be busy, so glad she could write me THREE WORDS…girls come in waves, you simply have to know when its time to move on.

Age – the harsh mistress of females

Something that perhaps is obvious to a lot of post-pill men is the realty and effect of age, where as pre-pill men dont really have a clue, the reality is that women have a very narrow range of age of them being attractive, and that is a simply fact – and that beyond appearance girls do not have much more to offer badass guys.

The pre-pill knowledge is basically a loose generality that younger girls are hotter, but that there is no hard ‘wall’ and that there are such things as hot 40 year olds, that you should date ‘in your age range’ etc.  I remember being of this mentality, that dating a girl 2 years younger than me was ‘creepy’, that every hot young girl turns into a hot milf etc…

I am in my late 20s, and a majority of girls my age are disgusting as fuck, these are girls I knew who were very hot even 5 years ago, but mostly 10 years ago.  It is a very strong correlation to having over-inflated value, that they can lose their most important aspect and still be desired, at least loosely.  Blame feminism.

But they were hot and got tons of attention when young, and ASSUME THAT IS A CONSTANT LIFE CONDITION.  This is sad, pathetic, and unavoidable.  Then when guys look at girls younger than them, the shaming of ‘creep’ etc gets thrown around.  That because every high school guy wanted to pound her ass that that ass with 100 extra pounds on it is still desirable.  Wrong.

I have okcupid pulled up on another tab, its sad looking at the 20 vs the 30 year olds.  The 20s are total attention whore sluts, and thats the way it is, pound them out for thats about their only value, they are literally meaningless as they have been showered with attention their whole life they never developed a real personality.

One of the most grateful things I learned post-pill was that it was OK TO LIVE FOR MYSELF, I didnt need a girl, I didnt need to be married etc, the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) movement was a slap across my neophyte face.  With this, I realized that girls meant so much less to me, very rarely did they provide the intellectually stimulation a guy could, rarely did they want to do anything adventurous (despite most claiming they are), very rarely were they worth the drama and headache just for sex.

The painful irony – and pay attention all you stupid bitches who write how I’m misogynist – that I see ugly girls with pictures of them with their dogs, or feeding deer, and those pictures are cute and show a feminine side (feminine does NOT equal feminist) and these girls like have a personality but their appearance puts everyone off.

Its really fucking sad actually, I see a 32 year old girl feeding a deer, not hot, but not ugly, and a bit bigger, I bet she is actually a pretty nice girl, maybe cool to hang with…but I have no interest in her, I will never be sexual attracted to her, and girls are more drama than guys just for social events.  And as much as I might want to go feed some deer, and might actually enjoy my time the complications of potential relationships (which i wouldnt want) make it worthless to pursue.  I see a girl hugging her dog, which is +points in my book but she is over 30 which is a deal breaker, that is a hard reality I have been forced to accept.

To my younger readers, slam and date girls your age as much as you can, because they get worse very fast.  They were generally stay bitches their whole life, but at least they are hot when younger.

The nice ones tend to never be hot, and the only real option you have, is to bag her when she is young enough that you can make her nice, or at least minimize her corruption.

Oh yeah, and girls 10 years younger than me?  No problem here!

Ha, I am being a bit facetious, but not much, I would certainly have sex with them (I have one going right now whos like 9-10 younger than me) but the own harsh reality we face as men, is if a girl IS going to get a personality (not all do) it developed later, ofter as her body is tanking.  Girls are often hottest at 19-21, but there is no way I would seriously consider a girl at 21 to be any short of intellectual or life equal.  Especially at that age they are ‘cock-sure’ and think they know everything in life because they got a bacherlors in child psychology and took a semester in africa.