Post Break up

Well, been a pretty busy last couple of weeks, I broke up with the nurse a little over a week ago.  Ironic coming off a 2 day stint of having sex with her repeadedly in a hotel room.  She said she loved me, I stupidly said I loved her back.  I had forced myself to not answer her calls (which had increased to about 3 a day) until I answered one of them and told her ‘I cant keep seeing you.’

To any outsider it might seem somewhat stupid, after all this was a women in her 40s, had kids, STILL MARRIED, had a busy job, but I didn’t know any of this when I first met her, her looks hid her age (thought maybe 30s honestly).  When I found out that the husband still lived at her house it became obvivous she was decitful in at least some capcity when she said it was over with him and trying to move on.

Anyway the call was tearful, she was begging me to not leave ‘but I miss you so much’ ‘are you sure’ ‘how do you know there is no future with us!?’ ‘my husband just wont leave’ ‘you arent going to live there forever’, anyway the call ended when she said ‘our song’ came on the radio, was crying and hung up.

I cried pretty good, this was a women who I actually ‘loved’ in some sense, we had sex a lot and she read my book, we could be open around each other, plus I felt bad ‘hurting’ her.

2 days later i got an email from her ‘are you sure about this?’ and thats all it wrote, messed with me a bit.

Then about yesterday a new feeling came in: anger.  (Please dont mention that stupid shit of DABDA, I really hate that model)

I started to become pissed and hateful at her: how the hell could she say she loved me and NOT GIVE A SHIT I JUST DUMPED HER!?  How could she do and say all these things and just let me walk out with a single email sentence?  I can’t believe all her lies I finally allowed myself to accept.

How much she utterly fucked with me about ‘oh I’ll come visit that city you are in this week’ and itd be a week of silence then ‘oh sorry, too busy to make it!~’

How she would text me, then go silent if it went in a direction she didnt like

How I couldn’t EVER call her

How my sacrafices apparently were nothing and she was risking ‘everything’ to be with me for some cock.

How weak I was that I feel for someone who was so worthless to me.

How utterly arrogant she was, how she was the hero of the entire state for flight trauma nurse, disgusting how I believed it and it cut down my own self-image.

 

I have a dark burning anger towards her, its strange given that I ‘loved’ her about 2 weeks ago as we were having sex, but anger burns away delusion like the last BPD girl.  I have a problem being attracted to cluster b personaility types, and I am working on it, but she is out of her, and I am improving.

Advertisements

Adrenaline in the ‘service of others’ – only drugging a hole in our heart

Soldiers, Fire Fighters, Police, EMS – heroes or internally broken?

I have been in a weird low point lately, but the mark of any man worth anything especially in the manosphere is the ability to actually deal with adversity in their mind and get back up, the major revelation I have had recently is that the group above – of which I was two of them for nine years – by and large actually are internally self-deficient and need the adulation of the crowd and the action of the job to medicate a hole in their heart.

I do not say this lightly, and only came to this through many painful thoughts and self examination. On alt-right blogs its really easy to just endlessly brag about how many girls you slay, how much weight you lift, how badass you are etc, but the more useful stuff is often the men going through the trenches and difficulties along the way. My own problems lately have been this: I left FF/EMS for a much better paying job a few months ago but ‘miss the action’ and also became involved in a flight nurse that fucked with my mind and dredged up bad thoughts and obsessions that were reminiscent of the BPD girl that broke me temporarily years ago.

Stated simply so that I might expand later: the ‘action jobs’ that are flashy and for ‘helping others’ – SWAT, any normal type of police, ambulance/EMS, fire fighting, most solider type jobs, med/air/helicopter evac, rescue – draw the type of people that are seeking it for the DRUG HIGH it gives them, deluding themselves that they are wanted/normal because of this occasional spike of the drug and the wonder of the crowd.

This has given me a really good time to reflect on my past, as I have a great job that is interesting and I don’t mind for now, but my coworkers look at me with an awe of ‘what I did’ with my life, and it is addicting. I did these brave and exciting things they could never imagine doing, but the feelings it left me with were driven entirely by ego. It rekindled a part of me I forgot about and like any drug makes me want MORE.

It evokes feelings of ‘why do this shit when I COULD BE OUT THERE AND THE SCREAMING CROWDS WANT ME TO SAVE THEM!?’ and for months it has been fucking me up, wondering what was wrong with me, if I needed to try to get back into it, and with the flight nurse endlessly push/pulling me with her tales of glory in the helicopter it hit me when I was weak. I went for a long hike in the desert up to this mountain this weekend and I was still infested with memories of ‘what if there was a rescue here, that would be so cool, maybe we could get the helicopter in here, I could rapple off the edge here…’ and part of my mind is like ‘What the fuck is wrong with you!? You are in the awesome area and you are focused on the PAST!’

The best times in my life is when I was most emotionally stable – typically correlated to a lot of mediation and not focused on anything other than bettering myself and looking for truth. My low points are when I stopped controlling my thoughts and get caught up on daily drama, so taking a cue I had a long reflection session during the night looking at the stars. Here is what I realized:

I was thinking about how if there was a big call right now, with police, fire guys, helicopters rolling in, what would they be thinking and desiring? Then it hit me hard: they were there for the action, the hit of intensity, they didn’t really give a shit about the patient, not meaningful. They would argue up and down with me that ‘they care for the patient’ etc etc but they don’t, they are there for what it does TO THEM. They like the feeling of being important, of mattering.

My next thoughts were, why are so many of these types in general so fucked up? By and large when you get down to it, you have to look hard for the NORMAL cop, solider, fire fighter etc. Almost all of them have broken personal lives one way or another, I am dead serious about this- very often divorced, kids from multiple marriages, cheating on partner, secretly gay, and at the very least generally not truly happy.

These people used this not to ‘help people’ that is a pure lie in easily over 90% of people in this, it is they want to feel WANTED, to feel like they matter. Now these feelings are somewhat understandable, but this is from a childish point of view, it is the high school mentality of ‘I want to be popular’. They have such an unexamined hole in their life that subconsciously the only way to drug the pain away is the hits of intensity of a big call. Change the call/rescue/shootout for alcohol and the problem is a lot more obvious of the problem they are attempting to make go away.

This was a big one for me, did I truly ‘want to go back’ to this world where the people I was fantasizing about were BROKEN? Would I be happy to be the flight nurse that has kids she barely gets to see, a husband she cheats on with a younger guy, that her PERSONAL VALUE IS DETERMINED BY THE ADORATION OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HER?

These revelations almost brought me to tears, in a way that I was leaving behind illusions of a childhood and facing a cold reality that few dare venture into.

There is a good quote in the Hagakure – a Samurai book – that basically goes along the lines of that an average man will talk about doing something whereas the true stalwart will head out silently to battle and die without saying a word (they were big on dying). But the whole point was that there is a difference between the talkers and ego-seekers and the people who JUST DO. If you truly gave a shit about helping, you would be silently volunteering at an animal shelter, or handing out food to homeless people or taking a trip to Africa – something NO ONE ELSE SEES. Where you are a ‘hero’ because you know to YOURSELF that you are doing the right thing, not that ‘hey hey look at me, I’m the hero, look at how badass I am!’ People are far more interested in the image than the reality. They want to be known as the Solider or the Pilot, or the Flight Nurse or the Fire Fighter, they don’t really give a shit about doing it for the sake of doing it.

Deep in the addicted throes of passion, it did not hit me at the time, but the MILF flight nurse was/is like this, she would call and leave voice mails ‘Hi~ This is your favorite flight nurse!~’ it mildly hit me as odd then, but now that I’m more woken up I realize how identity driven it is. Why not ‘Hey EK this is Nicole, I sure miss you!’. When I am with her I don’t think ‘wow sure is fun fucking a flight nurse’ its ‘she as an individual is fun to be with’ . But in retrospect I realize how fundamentally deep the problems of all these people are. I should start leaving voice mails for girls ‘Hey this is your favorite big dicked fire fighter, EMT, cliff rescuer bitch!’ It is a disturbing reality even as I kid I never wanted to be: defined by my job.

This happens with soldiers a lot too, how often is if someone was in the military, you damn sure well know it? Nearly always. Now contrast this with someone who only later you find out there were in ‘wtf you were in Vietnam/Iraq/etc !?’ it adds so much legitimacy to them – not that they are legit because they were in, but because it is NOT part of who they are. Police/EMS/Fire Fighters/ Evac/ Rescue is very rarely lke this, you also damn well sure know they are in – and again this feeds into the entire point their IDENTITY is defined by this role. They are ‘Frank the badass SWAT guy’ not ‘Jack who likes to fish, has a son who really likes him, likes to read and goes out every Friday with his wife.’

As I was sitting there looking at the stars, I had thoughts of wanting to go back into rescue, but I realized how mis-driven this was, I didn’t really care about saving the person, not meaningfully, it was the intensity and action and hit of that drug. I realized it was a symptom of a hole in my own heart. I smiled and realized what it was. I was glad I did it, it taught me a lot, not everything was ‘good’ certainly, but on the whole I am glad I am out, I can work on myself and don’t have nearly the damage all these other people do. I realize it for the drug it is.

This is not an excuse for people ‘well, sure glad I didn’t go into that shit!’ as people don’t ever know what it’s like until they are actually in, but it’s that by and large if people stay in its typically for the way wrong reasons. Ironically, a lot of these people are in a painful tragedy. Their personal lives are a wreck and they ‘want’ to help others – and might even generally be sincere about this – but what they do is chase a drug that hides the reality. They get the hit of ‘being wanted’ and desired and important, all feelings they lack in their regular and personal life and the drug hits, sedating them enough so the pain never reaches increasingly critical levels and allows them to progress in a general haze of the height of their life being the occasional action and the pain never progressing beyond a subconscious dullness of ‘wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?’

I can speak because I was there, and only know I realize this after much pain and self reflection. Most people don’t care at all about discovering themselves, and these types are even less likely, because their job is a drug to keep them addicted and off the pure bottom a lot of others succumb to.

 

ek41

Eradicating neediness and desperation from our souls

A criticism leveled at MGTOW is that they are ‘basement dwelling virgins’ – as if any of those are really that big of a deal, and forget that the major point is simply accepting the stacked deck against us and proceeding from there to improve ourselves, the topic for today is about neediness in our hearts, and the desperation that infects us.

I have learned a lot during my 3-4 years of red pill knowledge and practice, I grew a lot, and have really learned what the game is, but even now I still fall victim to neediness.  In a way, true MGTOW are ironically more susceptible to neediness in that if they ever find a legit girl in the trash it becomes easier to obsess and WANT her because of her rarity.

I have a women I have hooked up with a few times, it was sporadic, but generally fun as she was not inhibited.  But as of recent, she started giving me more attention and increasing contact.  I was surprised in myself, that being hardened off the BPD girl years ago I ‘knew’ the games and what to expect, but I still YEARNED for the attention.  I wanted her next texts, her next calls.  I knew it was wrong, and that I ‘shouldn’t’ but the best I could do was silently stew and resist calling/texting back.  This is not a tale of how badass I am, as this is never what this blog has been so much as it is my own travels down this road of unfulfillment trying to be better.

The women has a pretty cool job, she is on a medical helicopter crew that rescues people.  A major problem in our minds is we like to exaggerate and build up how great/cool our interest is.  Unfortunately, she hit a few that caused me problems, being a nurse there was the whole fetish aspect mixed with that nurses are supposed to be hot and caring, then she rode helicopters – which I long had a fascination with aircraft and almost joined military – and lastly did rescues, which was my life for many, many years.

But here is where the learning point is for myself and another else reading this, her job in a lot of ways was PERFECT fuel for my building her up in my mind ‘wow so badass, everyone turns to her, she is riding around in the air saving people’ etc etc, even now I feel this (and I don’t want to tear her down, as I actually enjoy her, I am only expressing thoughts) but my logical part of my brain tells me ‘you gave a shit about air flight crews before she got on radar’ which is a huge key to the whole puzzle.  It’s oneitis-like symptoms.  When I see a different helicopter do I care about THOSE people?  No.  Only the fantasy they represent.

Fast forward a bit, I just got back from a 2 day tryst with her at a resort, this was after about a month of furtive 1-2 texts or calls a week.  As a warning to guys out there, this is the magic number that really fucks you up, as if it is even lower, say 1/month most guys will typically get the clue and move on, every day and you either got that girl or you dislike her.  But this intermittent reinforcement is enough that we start to withdraw right as we get pulled back.  This mixed with the fetish fuel and long hours to think it was easy to become ‘obsessed’ and think of her more than I should.

Then the thoughts always become self-defeating ‘I bet shes doing something cool’ ‘I ain’t doing anything cool’ ‘does she like me?’ ‘why does she like me? she shouldn’t like me’, it will fuck you up on multiple levels, make you criticize yourself endlessly.  The only thing that really helps is other girls, for a while I was chasing a different girl – who was a closet feminist and worst ‘date’ I’d ever been on – which helped me forget.

Despite my own internal drama, I generally kept it cool on the outside, which is what PUA/MGTOW always espouses.  Here was the statements that brought a lot of this home, and remember I am partly caught up on this girl, I see helicopters in other cities and it starts a bad cycle of ‘wow I bet they are doing something cooler’ or ‘She is so cool, why does she like me?’ but she told me that following: she thinks of me a lot, is attracted to my lack of neediness, and is always wondering what I am doing or going.

I contained my laugh, because at the least my neediness did not show, I played it cool.  But here is what also hit me, here was this women I was slightly losing my mind over, thinking so cool of job/life and….SHE WAS THINKING OF ME.

I had built up this massive illusion in my mind, massive self-deprecation along the way, and all it was, was wrong.  I realized I built up this impossible dream, lifting a person into a godlike perfection and it took the fact that Ms.Godlike was thinking of a peon like me to realize it was an illusion I had ascribed her to.  I could tell some others this story and they would shrug their shoulders and not give a shit she flies a helicopter and comes in with night vision goggles to save the day – and that is how I should be if I didn’t have mild obsession.  It was a slap to my face to see that her unassailable fantasy I made up was not that perfect because she wondered what Road Warrior me was up to across the deserts.  I was the badass the girl wondered about…IF I WOULD ONLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF.

^This is kind of like that I didn’t care about that career before her, just like if a commenter told me his perfect girl was a race car driver, or firearm instructor or whatever, its generally IRRELEVANT or red flag-y, I would simple say ‘that’s kind of cool’ but when we do that we start to crush on their attributes rather than the person.  It becomes a caricature, ‘race car driver, hot, hikes’ and it takes a life of its own.  We create these perfect fantasies where ‘if she likes hiking she must like animals, and if she is that caring she must love giving blow jobs, and oh I bet she loves getting fucked from behind, and maybe she will teach me how to drive…’ and then each fast car you see becomes a reminder of ‘Wow Janet could drive that thing really fast I bet…I wonder if I have a chance with her…’

Understanding girls, and in contrast our own mental processes in a quest few take on.  The road is not short, it is not easy, and failures are common, even 4 years in with rotating girls I still struggle with things like neediness or masking desperation but it is a work in progress and I try to grow as much as I can.

This is kind of a personal post so let me know any of your own stories or reactions to what I just said.