Adrenaline in the ‘service of others’ – only drugging a hole in our heart

Soldiers, Fire Fighters, Police, EMS – heroes or internally broken?

I have been in a weird low point lately, but the mark of any man worth anything especially in the manosphere is the ability to actually deal with adversity in their mind and get back up, the major revelation I have had recently is that the group above – of which I was two of them for nine years – by and large actually are internally self-deficient and need the adulation of the crowd and the action of the job to medicate a hole in their heart.

I do not say this lightly, and only came to this through many painful thoughts and self examination. On alt-right blogs its really easy to just endlessly brag about how many girls you slay, how much weight you lift, how badass you are etc, but the more useful stuff is often the men going through the trenches and difficulties along the way. My own problems lately have been this: I left FF/EMS for a much better paying job a few months ago but ‘miss the action’ and also became involved in a flight nurse that fucked with my mind and dredged up bad thoughts and obsessions that were reminiscent of the BPD girl that broke me temporarily years ago.

Stated simply so that I might expand later: the ‘action jobs’ that are flashy and for ‘helping others’ – SWAT, any normal type of police, ambulance/EMS, fire fighting, most solider type jobs, med/air/helicopter evac, rescue – draw the type of people that are seeking it for the DRUG HIGH it gives them, deluding themselves that they are wanted/normal because of this occasional spike of the drug and the wonder of the crowd.

This has given me a really good time to reflect on my past, as I have a great job that is interesting and I don’t mind for now, but my coworkers look at me with an awe of ‘what I did’ with my life, and it is addicting. I did these brave and exciting things they could never imagine doing, but the feelings it left me with were driven entirely by ego. It rekindled a part of me I forgot about and like any drug makes me want MORE.

It evokes feelings of ‘why do this shit when I COULD BE OUT THERE AND THE SCREAMING CROWDS WANT ME TO SAVE THEM!?’ and for months it has been fucking me up, wondering what was wrong with me, if I needed to try to get back into it, and with the flight nurse endlessly push/pulling me with her tales of glory in the helicopter it hit me when I was weak. I went for a long hike in the desert up to this mountain this weekend and I was still infested with memories of ‘what if there was a rescue here, that would be so cool, maybe we could get the helicopter in here, I could rapple off the edge here…’ and part of my mind is like ‘What the fuck is wrong with you!? You are in the awesome area and you are focused on the PAST!’

The best times in my life is when I was most emotionally stable – typically correlated to a lot of mediation and not focused on anything other than bettering myself and looking for truth. My low points are when I stopped controlling my thoughts and get caught up on daily drama, so taking a cue I had a long reflection session during the night looking at the stars. Here is what I realized:

I was thinking about how if there was a big call right now, with police, fire guys, helicopters rolling in, what would they be thinking and desiring? Then it hit me hard: they were there for the action, the hit of intensity, they didn’t really give a shit about the patient, not meaningful. They would argue up and down with me that ‘they care for the patient’ etc etc but they don’t, they are there for what it does TO THEM. They like the feeling of being important, of mattering.

My next thoughts were, why are so many of these types in general so fucked up? By and large when you get down to it, you have to look hard for the NORMAL cop, solider, fire fighter etc. Almost all of them have broken personal lives one way or another, I am dead serious about this- very often divorced, kids from multiple marriages, cheating on partner, secretly gay, and at the very least generally not truly happy.

These people used this not to ‘help people’ that is a pure lie in easily over 90% of people in this, it is they want to feel WANTED, to feel like they matter. Now these feelings are somewhat understandable, but this is from a childish point of view, it is the high school mentality of ‘I want to be popular’. They have such an unexamined hole in their life that subconsciously the only way to drug the pain away is the hits of intensity of a big call. Change the call/rescue/shootout for alcohol and the problem is a lot more obvious of the problem they are attempting to make go away.

This was a big one for me, did I truly ‘want to go back’ to this world where the people I was fantasizing about were BROKEN? Would I be happy to be the flight nurse that has kids she barely gets to see, a husband she cheats on with a younger guy, that her PERSONAL VALUE IS DETERMINED BY THE ADORATION OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HER?

These revelations almost brought me to tears, in a way that I was leaving behind illusions of a childhood and facing a cold reality that few dare venture into.

There is a good quote in the Hagakure – a Samurai book – that basically goes along the lines of that an average man will talk about doing something whereas the true stalwart will head out silently to battle and die without saying a word (they were big on dying). But the whole point was that there is a difference between the talkers and ego-seekers and the people who JUST DO. If you truly gave a shit about helping, you would be silently volunteering at an animal shelter, or handing out food to homeless people or taking a trip to Africa – something NO ONE ELSE SEES. Where you are a ‘hero’ because you know to YOURSELF that you are doing the right thing, not that ‘hey hey look at me, I’m the hero, look at how badass I am!’ People are far more interested in the image than the reality. They want to be known as the Solider or the Pilot, or the Flight Nurse or the Fire Fighter, they don’t really give a shit about doing it for the sake of doing it.

Deep in the addicted throes of passion, it did not hit me at the time, but the MILF flight nurse was/is like this, she would call and leave voice mails ‘Hi~ This is your favorite flight nurse!~’ it mildly hit me as odd then, but now that I’m more woken up I realize how identity driven it is. Why not ‘Hey EK this is Nicole, I sure miss you!’. When I am with her I don’t think ‘wow sure is fun fucking a flight nurse’ its ‘she as an individual is fun to be with’ . But in retrospect I realize how fundamentally deep the problems of all these people are. I should start leaving voice mails for girls ‘Hey this is your favorite big dicked fire fighter, EMT, cliff rescuer bitch!’ It is a disturbing reality even as I kid I never wanted to be: defined by my job.

This happens with soldiers a lot too, how often is if someone was in the military, you damn sure well know it? Nearly always. Now contrast this with someone who only later you find out there were in ‘wtf you were in Vietnam/Iraq/etc !?’ it adds so much legitimacy to them – not that they are legit because they were in, but because it is NOT part of who they are. Police/EMS/Fire Fighters/ Evac/ Rescue is very rarely lke this, you also damn well sure know they are in – and again this feeds into the entire point their IDENTITY is defined by this role. They are ‘Frank the badass SWAT guy’ not ‘Jack who likes to fish, has a son who really likes him, likes to read and goes out every Friday with his wife.’

As I was sitting there looking at the stars, I had thoughts of wanting to go back into rescue, but I realized how mis-driven this was, I didn’t really care about saving the person, not meaningfully, it was the intensity and action and hit of that drug. I realized it was a symptom of a hole in my own heart. I smiled and realized what it was. I was glad I did it, it taught me a lot, not everything was ‘good’ certainly, but on the whole I am glad I am out, I can work on myself and don’t have nearly the damage all these other people do. I realize it for the drug it is.

This is not an excuse for people ‘well, sure glad I didn’t go into that shit!’ as people don’t ever know what it’s like until they are actually in, but it’s that by and large if people stay in its typically for the way wrong reasons. Ironically, a lot of these people are in a painful tragedy. Their personal lives are a wreck and they ‘want’ to help others – and might even generally be sincere about this – but what they do is chase a drug that hides the reality. They get the hit of ‘being wanted’ and desired and important, all feelings they lack in their regular and personal life and the drug hits, sedating them enough so the pain never reaches increasingly critical levels and allows them to progress in a general haze of the height of their life being the occasional action and the pain never progressing beyond a subconscious dullness of ‘wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?’

I can speak because I was there, and only know I realize this after much pain and self reflection. Most people don’t care at all about discovering themselves, and these types are even less likely, because their job is a drug to keep them addicted and off the pure bottom a lot of others succumb to.