My experience as the ‘other man’ and how bad it actually fucked me up

Any of the loyal followers of mine know that over the last year I got involved with a women that ended up being far more drama than it should have been, essentially what happened was I became invovled with someone that I came to find out was ultimately was married, and stuck around a while as I slowly drove myself insane rationilizing my existence as the ‘other man’.

Essentially the timeline was that over about 9 months I was with/hooked up/talked etc etc with a woman and the relationship intensified pretty fast with the notable fact that she insisted I never call her ‘because of a custody battle with the ex’.  I found out she was married ‘but its loveless/sexless’, I stick around a little, then eventually bail, no contact for about 3 month, see her again, she convinces me to give it a 2nd shot, I do for a bit but go crazy from cognitive dissonance and call it off for good.

I grew so much from this experience it is crazy.  One of the biggest things is I rationilized to myself that I was not doing anything wrong, and on a lot of levels I still believe that, but on some fundamental levels this is untrue.  What made this so hard was for 9 MONTHS I did not know anything was wrong beyond some vague uneasiness like the no calling.  So when I found out the feelings were already there.  If you had talked to me over a year ago, saying I’d be involved with a married woman, or that I’d be controlled by sex I’d say no way, but it happened, and that humbled me.

Sex is dangerous, its addicting, the chemical soup we release is very very potent, esp the bonding chemicals that are shared.  I have a new found respect for how strong sex is, when girls dangle it freely in your face ‘if you only…’, suddenly you are doing really stupid shit just because she lets do do anything sexually to her.

The big thing was how confused I felt.  Here was a woman I liked, but I could not tel anyone, I was forced to be complicit in this illicit activity.  I had to believe everything she told me, her husband really does mistreat her, he really will ruin the kids monetarily etc etc oh by the way EK you feel so good inside me~

I was feeling worse by the day, and the isolation only grew, I could not talk to anyone about it.  Meanwhile to her, it was perfect she had prefect information about her situation, and I plugged in neatly and quietly as the side peice, she got the money (and sex?) from the husband and the adventure from me.

I pulled out the first time because I was getting too depressed living this lie, and thats what it is, you can’t be seen in public, only get secret calls, can’t really turn to the person, its the insanely addicting high and low.  Months later, she was just so sorry, can’t we please make this work, she thought of me every day…’yeah ok, I just won’t have feelings!  It will be free sex!  I dont owe the husband anything!”

But the problem was, feelings are impossible to keep out, and though I owed her husband nothing, the magnitude of the moral crime was grinding on me.  It would devastate me if my wife cheated on me, and I was acting hypocritically if I was essentially condoning this woman’s cheating.  The distant possibility of this blowing up and her kids getting ruined also made me think, simply as a man of good intention how could I act in a way that would knowingly devastate a lot of people if it crashed down?

Further, love and relationships are supposed to make someone feel better, and I felt like shit EVERY TIME.  It was based on lies, I was going over to a friends house, she was going to a work meeting etc etc.  There was no future here, as much as she liked to ‘future fake’ about us being together.

I could go on a while, but it really comes down to if anyone actually needs any advice or cares.  Suffice to say, my short experience in an affair triangle as the ‘other man’ sobered me the fuck out, there is nothing ‘real’ about the love in them (yes I thought it was ‘real’ myself, I see it was only the illicitness of it that mistakes that high) and the addiction is real.  It’s something I’ll never entertain again, thats for sure.



13 thoughts on “My experience as the ‘other man’ and how bad it actually fucked me up

  1. Pingback: My experience as the ‘other man’ and how bad it actually fucked me up |

  2. Sex is an extremely addictive drug. Very easy to get hooked on, and many women know how to deal it effectively to men.

    They understand, what we do not. Sex is easy and cheap. There’s a life and world beyond it. It’s the champagne and shine that sells, not the reality.

    Cheap sex can degrade a man MORE than a woman. Because he compromises his principles to get it. Women have no principles.

    Well, you have learned something worthwhile. How is your training in the gym going?

    I watched an interesting docu on Detroit FD. Most calls every year and 95% were arson. They only made 30K/year. Most ffers had to have a second job.

  3. i would not call sex useless. It might have been not enough at a point. You grew up,learned something about yourself after all.. Happy,Safe and Wonderful New Year EK 🙂

  4. ER…

    It’s good to acknowledge the self-annihilating effect of radical sexual autonomy. It’s good that you can “see” a “loss of self” in the very sexual acts that gave you visceral unease in real time. Even from here and having little more than your words, I gave prediction to your very scenario and so the lesson would be in your future ability to make the same assessment with much more “data” in hand SO AS TO avoid the visceral self-annihilation that you have undoubtedly experienced. No amount of radical sexual autonomy will, ultimately, make up for the visceral unease of losing one’s self to the seductive machinations of a liberated female.

  5. What is the number one tactic of the liberated female in her abuse of Alpha/Sigma’s?

    “You USED me.”

    That’s the feeling you have, ER.

    You feel “used” by a radically liberated female.


    If you would have heard those voices that this female WAS IN FACT RADICALLY LIBERATED… Then “used” turns into ACCEPTANCE. Unease turns into accountability. Disgust turns into greater realization. Degenerate turns into regenerate.

      • ER…

        You knew instinctively that this female was a liberated female… Desirous of radical sexual autonomy. And IF you would have embraced this reality them the fallout would have been a lot less distressing. You would have felt far less used and/or deceived. What is so deceitful about PUA and “game” is that all your “opponents” are sexually liberated females. And so PUA and “game” are being used against you with this fuller understanding.

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