Any of the loyal followers of mine know that over the last year I got involved with a women that ended up being far more drama than it should have been, essentially what happened was I became invovled with someone that I came to find out was ultimately was married, and stuck around a while as I slowly drove myself insane rationilizing my existence as the ‘other man’.
Essentially the timeline was that over about 9 months I was with/hooked up/talked etc etc with a woman and the relationship intensified pretty fast with the notable fact that she insisted I never call her ‘because of a custody battle with the ex’. I found out she was married ‘but its loveless/sexless’, I stick around a little, then eventually bail, no contact for about 3 month, see her again, she convinces me to give it a 2nd shot, I do for a bit but go crazy from cognitive dissonance and call it off for good.
I grew so much from this experience it is crazy. One of the biggest things is I rationilized to myself that I was not doing anything wrong, and on a lot of levels I still believe that, but on some fundamental levels this is untrue. What made this so hard was for 9 MONTHS I did not know anything was wrong beyond some vague uneasiness like the no calling. So when I found out the feelings were already there. If you had talked to me over a year ago, saying I’d be involved with a married woman, or that I’d be controlled by sex I’d say no way, but it happened, and that humbled me.
Sex is dangerous, its addicting, the chemical soup we release is very very potent, esp the bonding chemicals that are shared. I have a new found respect for how strong sex is, when girls dangle it freely in your face ‘if you only…’, suddenly you are doing really stupid shit just because she lets do do anything sexually to her.
The big thing was how confused I felt. Here was a woman I liked, but I could not tel anyone, I was forced to be complicit in this illicit activity. I had to believe everything she told me, her husband really does mistreat her, he really will ruin the kids monetarily etc etc oh by the way EK you feel so good inside me~
I was feeling worse by the day, and the isolation only grew, I could not talk to anyone about it. Meanwhile to her, it was perfect she had prefect information about her situation, and I plugged in neatly and quietly as the side peice, she got the money (and sex?) from the husband and the adventure from me.
I pulled out the first time because I was getting too depressed living this lie, and thats what it is, you can’t be seen in public, only get secret calls, can’t really turn to the person, its the insanely addicting high and low. Months later, she was just so sorry, can’t we please make this work, she thought of me every day…’yeah ok, I just won’t have feelings! It will be free sex! I dont owe the husband anything!”
But the problem was, feelings are impossible to keep out, and though I owed her husband nothing, the magnitude of the moral crime was grinding on me. It would devastate me if my wife cheated on me, and I was acting hypocritically if I was essentially condoning this woman’s cheating. The distant possibility of this blowing up and her kids getting ruined also made me think, simply as a man of good intention how could I act in a way that would knowingly devastate a lot of people if it crashed down?
Further, love and relationships are supposed to make someone feel better, and I felt like shit EVERY TIME. It was based on lies, I was going over to a friends house, she was going to a work meeting etc etc. There was no future here, as much as she liked to ‘future fake’ about us being together.
I could go on a while, but it really comes down to if anyone actually needs any advice or cares. Suffice to say, my short experience in an affair triangle as the ‘other man’ sobered me the fuck out, there is nothing ‘real’ about the love in them (yes I thought it was ‘real’ myself, I see it was only the illicitness of it that mistakes that high) and the addiction is real. It’s something I’ll never entertain again, thats for sure.
