Slowly better?

Hey guys, been a bit, I wrote that last one at one of the darkest times I have ever felt in my life.  I was in a shitty place but at my job, my life, and reeling over the stupid bitch I am extracting from my life.

I am not ‘better’ in any sense but realizing how to put things into priority.  Been doing a lot of meditation of instead of resisting emotions, just feeling to FEEL what they are like on me.  Most of them are ‘depression’ ‘despair’ ‘nihilism’ etc, but maybe somehow I’ll get out.

As a warning to others, I am shocked at how fast bad decisions can ruin a life, I suppose I never really considered an ‘affair’ something i’d engage in (if I wasnt the married one, is it still an affair?) I didnt know till near the end, but there were red flags I should have seen.  Namely too, I lied to myself that I was the exception, that this was different, I was special, I wouldn’t get caught/develope feelings etc.

But I did, I became addicted to an unavailable woman, who her occasional attention became my sustenance as I went through a big change in my life.  It was not ‘what is my goal’ it was ‘When will she call?’ ‘when will we fuck?’

I still in some level think ‘we loved each other’, I am speaking honestly, and in time I will probably think ‘wow that was really stupid’, but for now I know I have to get out of this, it was not the only problem in my life but a very major one.  Having her occsionaly call/email makes it harder to stay no contact but doing what I can.


13 thoughts on “Slowly better?

  1. Pingback: Slowly better? |

  2. Nice to hear from you. How’s your training going? You should just keep lifting and not indulge in self-pity.

    You’re not the first man to get hooked on sex. The adrenaline dump is the same as jumping out of a plane or riding a fire engine. You are biologically wired to like risk. Probably that’s why you became a FFer.

  3. Don’t try and get too deep… You need something physically invigorating that doesn’t include the guilty aftertaste. You got played… By a chick that has been in the trenches. Chick couid probably play out in the open, but had her own inhibitions about being too blatant. No female, STILL, no matter how liberated, wants to be known as the family wrecker. She probably has it materially good. Her excuses to divorce are too limited for public consumption. He was probably willing to let her “play” as long as she rode out the next 3-8 years? so that all the kids were out before they physically split. Obviously, any split now will cost him more than her. Knowing that a “husband” can allow this type of “affair” for strictly financial motives does not make for the Alpha-emotion in that man who is the “beneficiary” of his “wife’s” liberation. I think you feel this. There was a sense of Alphaness that has been violently and unpredictably ripped away by nothing more than a more revealing glimpse of the total reality.

  4. Good to hear that you’re feeling better. Don’t worry about the bounce back taking time. To use a metaphor, food that you take the time to cook on a lower flame will taste better than the food you cook food quickly on a higher flame.

    One wise man said to me “What good is making a mistake if you don’t learn or grow from it.”

    Those mistakes may prevent you from making bigger ones.

  5. Another thing EK… No one really knows or really cares… I mean that in the good way. Walk down the street… Go to the store… Hit the gym… No one knows the deceit you saw in advance, but willingly succumb to… No one really saw the “weakness” and no one cares about the “misstep” except the Man upstairs. He has seen it all and His are the real “eyes” on you… He is really the one you let down. You understand the gifts he’s given you and to use this incredible gift of God-ordained free will in the way that you have used it in this scenario degrades that gift. Period. There is a mutual understanding that you simply haven’t articulated yet, BUT CAN FEEL nonetheless. If you use your God-ordained free will to degrade yourself then you will feel this degradation. The modern solution… The HBD answer… The liberated “Christian’s” “revelation…” Dismiss God-ordained free will as illusory and free one’s self from feeling the acts of degeneracy.

    Cold-turkey…. That’s evidence of God-ordained free will seeking a prompt resolution to the feeling of descent.

    Write a blog post about something entirely unrelated… Something about what it means to EK to strive towards Supremacy?

      • You didn’t what I wrote… EK “caring” is not what caused the depression. EK thinking others “cared” about his bad decision is what causes part of the depression. The other part of the depression is just knowing one picked “bad” from the outset. EK’s genuine “caring,” IMHO, has very little to do with this event.

  6. Sorry Thordaddy I understand where your coming from now and I agree EK shouldnt worry himself about what people think but that’s what situations like this bring shame I could relate because I have been there

  7. I’ve had depression for quite a long while myself but I snapped out of it after becoming ‘redpilled’ so I can’t really give much advice.

  8. She did not ponder the possibility of leaving him to be with you? Some people have a lot of difficulty leaving an otherwise “nice” spouse. It took me 1 full year to leave my ex, who was a great person and very generous. I just did not feel it anymore, but could’t summon the courage to leave… The guilt of hurting her was killing me. And i know many women are like that as well. Did she ever entertain the option of leaving that man to be with you?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s