Battling Depression

Unfortunately I am in a bad spot in my life.  I am crushed by depression right now, I am realizing how much of my life has been a lie, how much I have lived for others, how much of a void is in my soul.  Is it shocking, disgusting, overwhelming and I feel like crying multiple times a day.  I can barely see my ‘good’ traits and it is nothing except how much of a loser I am, how there is nothing enjoyable in my days.  It is shocking how powerful this is.

I honestly do not know what to do as this has been going on for a while.  It doesnt help the nurse is back in the picture and wants to meet this weekend, which I KNOW i shouldnt but my sad/weak states wants SOMEONE to love me as fucked up as I am.

Im messed up, idk how I will get out of this.


25 thoughts on “Battling Depression

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  2. I suffered much the same. There is nothing I can say really except to try to remember what it was not to be depressed. Depression tends to make us forget these times.

    Also try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is well suited to (over?) thinkers.

  3. While you may think that I am being facetious, believe it or not, bear videos help. This one is very popular .

    Sometime, it helps me to get lost in youtube.

  4. There are three levels: spiritual, intellectual and physical…

    God-ordained free will is the most powerful “tool” in your arsenal…

    This “tool” is the very thing that the modern world seeks to steal from you at ever turn…

    GET EXCITED about the boldness of your enemies!!!

    The manners in which the zeitgeist attempts to rob you of your God-ordained free will IS ALL ENCOMPASSING… BUT ultimately spread so thin that any serious fight by that small minority of well-to-do’s will be mostly likely ignored.

    Your depression is tell-tale sign of being robbed “blind” of your God-ordained free will. But if you can force yourself to look closely then you will see how much of your God-ordained free will you have readily thrown away. Desire Truth. Put your head on Supremacy. Train your heart like you have been crucified. And work your core like a beast of burden.

    Take your gift and actually unwrap it for the very first time. You can transcend all the memes. Reject or embrace any genes. Darwin be damned.

      • The greatest attribute of The Perfect Man was showing “us” that every step matters. Many do not learn this valuable lesson until AFTER they’ve stepped into the abyss. You are now cognizant of being a “part” in another human being’s corrupt and destructive connivances WHILE it all felt to so “good.” So now there is an exponentially degrading effect. You sought instant gratification KNOWING IN ADVANCE the price would have to paid down the road. That price is being paid right now. You must pay it. But God is merciful and accepts a genuine apology from any son of his willing to repent.

        Every step counts. You should rejoice at such a thought. Imagine what can be done? Imagine what can be avoided? Everything matters. Pay your price… Cut all your self-inflicted ties to any sort of degeneracy and put your mind on Perfection.

        One always has a way to come back to the Order of things. There must ultimately be a will and desire though.

  5. “I am realizing how much of my life has been a lie, how much I have lived for others, how much of a void is in my soul. Is it shocking, disgusting, overwhelming and I feel like crying multiple times a day. I can barely see my ‘good’ traits and it is nothing except how much of a loser I am, how there is nothing enjoyable in my days. It is shocking how powerful this is.”

    You are not the only one experiencing what you are feeling. The above quote from your post describes my experience as well.

    I have four suggestions that you can take or leave, you are the captain of your ship and only you can decide what course to take.

    1). Listen to good music to uplift and/or soothe you. (Personally I prefer Classical music or something close to it.)

    2). Seek out good humor to help take your mind off what is bothering you so you take a break from it. Laughter is said to be the best medicine. Yes, it is a cliché but there is often truth in clichés which is why they become clichés.

    3). Don’t be shy or afraid to pray for comfort and guidance. Say what is on your mind no matter how dark or troubling it is. Do in a private place that is quiet. Don’t listen to a jackass or religious know-it-all, that is counter-productive. God will take you as you are.

    4). There is a group called the Depression Bi-Polar Support Alliance or DBSA. You will see all kind of people there and you may make a few friends. When you first get there you can give your name and say “I will be content to just listen” if you feel uncomfortable talking to group at first. Here is link to find a group nearest you if you are interested:

    With that I wish you the best of fortune and that things improve for you. You helped get me through a few dark places and I hope these suggestions can help.

  6. I’m sorry, EK.

    The human body knows how to deal with depression. It is as natural as elation, or what one feels during/after sex. Usually, the body desires sleep more. Let it.

    There is a real world out there. You can con the human, subjective world. You can’t fake on the objective, real world.

    Education and training are real places. You’ll get out what you put in, and you’ll be paid what you’re worth.

    It is good if you can find something that is “yours.” Keep it secret from everyone too. And work hard it.

      • EK…

        Who or what can you be loyal to? Do not limit yourself to that which cannot betray you though for in that potential betrayal is the viscerally felt righteousness of loyalty. That which you are loyal to is “yours.” “We” need that “thing.” “We” want that “thing.” There is an incredible deficit of loyalty in the white peoples. Project a loyalty to something worthy in your life.

      • Amazing, TD and I are talking about the same thing now.

        Just find something you like and do it. Maybe you’ll put everything the best of you into it. And to keep it sacred, you keep it secret.

        Weight lifting can be like that, and WN can be too. It is this way with the best of both.

  7. Sorry to hear you’re going through this. Been there myself and also because of a woman. Depression is so freaking debilitating.

    You just may need to lay the sword and shield down for a while and just rest. You can’t do it all – live up to the image here, the image with the girlfriend you feel conflicted about, the image you have of yourself now, in the past, and what you want for the future. Rumination is a major driver for depression. Regrets of the past and worry over the future just add to the trouble.

    From what I can see, you have the capacity for (and interest in) self-reflection and introspection. This is your friend. Look deep into the problem. Breathe. Cry. Process. Visualize the key players in your life as you were growing up that may be contributing to this now. Try to get a handle on how much is their responsibility (caused by them) and yours. You’ll probably find that it’s a lot less for you than you think.

    Practice slow deep abdominal breathing at the rate of 6 breaths per minute (you can get an app for this). This produces a condition in the body known as “resonance” which causes pain to leave the body.

    Really feel the depression and lean into it. Don’t be afraid of it. This is mindfulness and your key to a way out. With practice, you’ll feel the texture of this thing and find parts where it’s lighter and less troublesome. That’s the time to do a small act of self-compassion: Take a slow walk around the block, ride a bike, etc. If you can forgive and help the nurse, why not forgive and help yourself?

    Be aware of what’s going on around you – you are reentering a chaotic, emotional battlefield that goes against your values but provides comfort. That is a key conflict for you to meditate on. Why is that conflict there? What would you really like to be doing? What is your ideal life? Defining what you really want out of life may be enough for now. It provides gentle energy and motivation to slowly make change for the better when the conditions are right.

    Finally, change a few simple patterns (the paths you take to get to places, the people you see and for how long, activities, the food you eat and how you cook, etc.) You want to suppress familiar triggers to depression and come up with new networks for your brain to process.

    You’ll get through, this, Knight. Breathe.

      • Well, now I’ve got it. Last night, I laid down in my empty bed in my empty room in my empty apartment and started wondering what the point of life is if I haven’t even had a date in 10 years.

        Took me a while to get out of bed this morning. Didn’t eat all day. Classic depression. Finally felt some energy when I realized there were some deadlines I had to meet and I got going.

        I wrote too much to you before. I forgot what it’s like to be depressed — not interested in long, complicated “here’s a pill” type advice. Everyone has their own way of coming back to baseline.

        For me: Not eating, so I’m going to the grocery store now to buy some probiotics and get dinner. That should improve mood. Driving down to the beach and going for a slow walk in the sunlight. Change of scenery. Going to a church across the street — see the candles, pray with the people. Get some hope. That’s enough for today.

      • EK…

        What I was really intimating at was whether you had been fulling appraised of the depth of this nurse’s double life? My hunch is that a lot of this depression is a shock from realizing that one was a “part” in another’s thought out scheme? I gather this broad was older than you and this kind of sexual deception was a first for you? I think there is a certain desire to know the full scope of your “part” which in all practical reality means knowing this broad’s entire background and actual desire?

        • Yeah you are right, she was older than mean and this was the first time I was deceived so hard. I even partially tell myself I ‘wasnt deceived’ or ‘she did what she had to’, bad I know.

  8. I pulled out of my depression in about a day. I think staying up late (terrible sleep hygiene lately with worries), eating junk, and ruminating on being alone for a long time when trying to go to sleep caused it. Now I make sure I’m tired at the end of the day to make it easier to go to sleep, and I eat better. As for the thoughts, I noticed all the value judgments (adjectives): “I laid down in my EMPTY bed in my EMPTY room in my EMPTY apartment” and replaced them with “I’m glad I have a bed in my room in my apartment [so I can go to sleep when I’m tired].” I stopped thinking about not having a woman in my life and things got a LOT better.

    You said there’s a void in your life and you want the nurse to fill it. Have you considered that the struggle may not be about the morality of seeing the nurse, but it might be about why the void exists and why only a woman can fill it. Look deep there for insight and answers that may ease the craving. I think your interest in spiritual things is a sign that you are looking for something else to fill the void. You may want to try spiritual activites that are rich in sensory experiences to fill the mind and give you relief from your normal thought patterns: Monasteries (Buddhist and Catholic) are good for this. Meditation is good for emptying your mind and giving you a break from constant negative thoughts and increasing your distress tolerance. Joining a local sangha or meetup group would be a nice break from things and give you a new, healthier social environment.

    Hang in there, Knight.

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