Slowly better?

Hey guys, been a bit, I wrote that last one at one of the darkest times I have ever felt in my life.  I was in a shitty place but at my job, my life, and reeling over the stupid bitch I am extracting from my life.

I am not ‘better’ in any sense but realizing how to put things into priority.  Been doing a lot of meditation of instead of resisting emotions, just feeling to FEEL what they are like on me.  Most of them are ‘depression’ ‘despair’ ‘nihilism’ etc, but maybe somehow I’ll get out.

As a warning to others, I am shocked at how fast bad decisions can ruin a life, I suppose I never really considered an ‘affair’ something i’d engage in (if I wasnt the married one, is it still an affair?) I didnt know till near the end, but there were red flags I should have seen.  Namely too, I lied to myself that I was the exception, that this was different, I was special, I wouldn’t get caught/develope feelings etc.

But I did, I became addicted to an unavailable woman, who her occasional attention became my sustenance as I went through a big change in my life.  It was not ‘what is my goal’ it was ‘When will she call?’ ‘when will we fuck?’

I still in some level think ‘we loved each other’, I am speaking honestly, and in time I will probably think ‘wow that was really stupid’, but for now I know I have to get out of this, it was not the only problem in my life but a very major one.  Having her occsionaly call/email makes it harder to stay no contact but doing what I can.

Battling Depression

Unfortunately I am in a bad spot in my life.  I am crushed by depression right now, I am realizing how much of my life has been a lie, how much I have lived for others, how much of a void is in my soul.  Is it shocking, disgusting, overwhelming and I feel like crying multiple times a day.  I can barely see my ‘good’ traits and it is nothing except how much of a loser I am, how there is nothing enjoyable in my days.  It is shocking how powerful this is.

I honestly do not know what to do as this has been going on for a while.  It doesnt help the nurse is back in the picture and wants to meet this weekend, which I KNOW i shouldnt but my sad/weak states wants SOMEONE to love me as fucked up as I am.

Im messed up, idk how I will get out of this.