Well, been a pretty busy last couple of weeks, I broke up with the nurse a little over a week ago. Ironic coming off a 2 day stint of having sex with her repeadedly in a hotel room. She said she loved me, I stupidly said I loved her back. I had forced myself to not answer her calls (which had increased to about 3 a day) until I answered one of them and told her ‘I cant keep seeing you.’
To any outsider it might seem somewhat stupid, after all this was a women in her 40s, had kids, STILL MARRIED, had a busy job, but I didn’t know any of this when I first met her, her looks hid her age (thought maybe 30s honestly). When I found out that the husband still lived at her house it became obvivous she was decitful in at least some capcity when she said it was over with him and trying to move on.
Anyway the call was tearful, she was begging me to not leave ‘but I miss you so much’ ‘are you sure’ ‘how do you know there is no future with us!?’ ‘my husband just wont leave’ ‘you arent going to live there forever’, anyway the call ended when she said ‘our song’ came on the radio, was crying and hung up.
I cried pretty good, this was a women who I actually ‘loved’ in some sense, we had sex a lot and she read my book, we could be open around each other, plus I felt bad ‘hurting’ her.
2 days later i got an email from her ‘are you sure about this?’ and thats all it wrote, messed with me a bit.
Then about yesterday a new feeling came in: anger. (Please dont mention that stupid shit of DABDA, I really hate that model)
I started to become pissed and hateful at her: how the hell could she say she loved me and NOT GIVE A SHIT I JUST DUMPED HER!? How could she do and say all these things and just let me walk out with a single email sentence? I can’t believe all her lies I finally allowed myself to accept.
How much she utterly fucked with me about ‘oh I’ll come visit that city you are in this week’ and itd be a week of silence then ‘oh sorry, too busy to make it!~’
How she would text me, then go silent if it went in a direction she didnt like
How I couldn’t EVER call her
How my sacrafices apparently were nothing and she was risking ‘everything’ to be with me for some cock.
How weak I was that I feel for someone who was so worthless to me.
How utterly arrogant she was, how she was the hero of the entire state for flight trauma nurse, disgusting how I believed it and it cut down my own self-image.
I have a dark burning anger towards her, its strange given that I ‘loved’ her about 2 weeks ago as we were having sex, but anger burns away delusion like the last BPD girl. I have a problem being attracted to cluster b personaility types, and I am working on it, but she is out of her, and I am improving.