So, a lot has happened in only a few days, I have long believed in self-improvement and have been diligent but I have been stalled out and fucked up for a long time on this flight nurse woman despite the massive red flags and general ‘get the hell out of there’ advice I got from people, a reader named Wais said I might be codependent and recommended a blog therawness, i was skeptical but checked it out. (The relevant part is the 6 part letter series: http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-1/ )
Codependent? Yeah fucking right, I imagined some women who needed to ask her husband what to wear, if to be happy etc etc. I was sincerely surprised when i realized I have MANY tendencies that stem from childhood and were all rooted in the fucked up problems I was having with the nurse – who by the way I can honestly say was occupying disturbing levels of my time, look to the prior post ‘oneitis’ (http://wp.me/p2YaVQ-ly) even most of my posts recently were about her, what the hell was wrong with me?
This will be a slightly ongoing thing as I have painfully unlocked some deeply disturbing things in my mind, and slowly processing what it means. Namely, my codependency (copd) was such that I valued external validation as that was how I got value, that I was not fundamentally valuable just as EK, but I needed to be ‘the firefighter’ ‘the smart guy’ these ego identifications, that when I saved someone how could I NOT have value? That was the perverse logic, and what many never escape. (https://eruditeknight.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/adrenaline-in-the-service-of-others-only-drugging-a-hole-in-our-heart/)
It led me to ALL SORTS of fucked up things, that I had to prove myself to be valuable, that I regretted my new job – likely because no one saw me thus how could I be validated, meanwhile my nurse friend bragged endlessly about how many people she saved – why she became so huge in my life.
The reasons she did, was that she represented both a narcissistic/emotional avoidant person who copd apparently are deeply attracted to as they feed off each others weaknesses and her bragging/job represented a WAY TO REDEEM MY VALUELESSNESS – again I never thought this consciously until now.
How could I have value? My ego wondered. I’m busy drilling in the desert, no one gives a shit about me, meanwhile she is in parades, children are lauding her, riding in to save the day, these thoughts were pure POISON to my mind. Distortions based on the simple fact I could not validate myself because I was stuck in childhood patterns of needing to prove myself.
I am not ‘cured’ by any stretch, but I have literally spent hours upon hours the last couple days occupied by nothing but these dark, dark thoughts about how many of my goals, dreams, aspirations were all for chasing a redemption of childhood that would never come. The nurse represented a validator of sorts that ‘oh EK you are so hot and fun to be with’ mixed with days/weeks of emotional avoidance that triggered me to ‘try harder’ to win her approval, maybe if I changed my job to flight nurse she would love me and my good child inside would finally be loved!
I have grappled with some dark, repulsive thoughts, about how many of my dreams were actually misguided, how that child NEVER WILL BE REDEEMED, but that this is ok, that all i need to to is be aware of the scars that I have from my past. The biggest thing is that the worthless person I fear I am is just as fictional as the inhuman badass I think I need to strive to be, both of them are severely damaging. The ‘badass’ sends me down the road of things that ultimately are NOT rooted in self-validation, that it is to prove myself to the world so that ‘finally’ I can be redeemed as ‘someone worthwhile’ and likewise the worthless false self is just as bad and wrong that just because I wont have a parade for me when I die doesnt mean my worth as a person is zero – because it is myself who determines that.
(For the record, my obsession with the nurse has been fairly obliterated in only a few short days with the magnitude of these revelations, I havent talked to her since last week, she called multiple times on different numbers today, she is going to get desperate, not sure what I will do, but its such a side issue compared to examining the self-damage I have sustained.)