For any long readers of my blog the thing that started this was me recovering from a BPD girl, which is the case of a lot of red pill / manosphere types, but it is a pattern a LOT of women exhibit. I am reminded because I became aware of this recently with a new girl.
For new readers or guys struggling with BPD/NPD here are some basics:
*Fast Connection – You feel like you’ve known this person forever, rapidly open up to them
*Push /Pull – This is a HUGE one, they are cold days/weeks then suddenly they miss you deeply, love you etc etc. It is a very dangerous pattern.
* INTENSE – This is part of push/pull about where things will be super fast, you will be having sex within a week, having sex daily, it will seem perfect
*Lack of empathy – This will be highly camouflaged but the truth
*Selfish – All about her
I am not sure why I apparently am occasionally attracted to these girls, maybe how fast the sex is suddenly flowing and how real/intense it seems amidst the drudgery of life. It becomes addictive that this feels so ‘real’ that everything else fades away and all you think about it her.
I’d be caught up on this milf for a long time, longer than I should have, and it had been fucking with me for a while, I had been re-living patterns of about 4 years ago with the BPD girl. I was clinging to the occasional contact, the intense feeling, the ‘love’. I knew it was bad, but I still proceeded forward.
I begun to doubt myself (this happens all the time with these types, you think you are the crazy one), maybe I should just be tougher, maybe not give a shit, but they are crafty. Its a perfect balance of silence for a while then suddenly a little gift for you, or some heartfelt apology and it feels all normal again.
I saw my milf this week, it was a trip long in the planing, I found out she is married – which she never told me – I don’t espeically care about the morality of her choice but never being told hurts. She didn’t even mention I had to drag it out to find out the husband sitll lives at home. Again its hard when she is taking your cock with reckless abadon to think you need to get out of there.
I wanted to be nice to her since her friend recently died, but part of my mind wanted/needed to ‘break up’ with her, but I didn’t. However I did talk to her about my concerns, but she dismissed all of them, especially with pseudo-ultimatums ‘if this is too hard you can leave me just because my friend died’ ‘if you want to be done just because im at the lowest point in my life go ahead’.
Anyway the next day I was pretty pissed at her, she didn’t get it at all. I was in a sobering rage and working out hard/ reading. Then a knock at my hotel – she had come in a complete surprise to my room. We had sex but it was different, I felt distance because she did not want to listen to me, my problems were meaningless and it was her making the sacrafices.
I felt bad for her honestly, she even dumped down ‘I love you’ on me, only words but maybe meaning something. She was saying to ‘not forget her’ when I left, and ‘remember this is real between us’, in a way I see the desperation for what it is, and my empathy feels bad for a fellow human.
She called me 3x the next day, leaving messages about she wouldnt call for a week, but then got a call from her the very next day, I stupidly answered and it was more of the same ‘miss you miss you!’ ‘please dont forget me’. I told her ‘a few days in the desert will sober me up i’ll forget about women’.
Its weird, I know she has done emotional damage to me because I questioned myself, most of the things we talked about were how my activities were dumb, but how cool of things she had recently done. Its hard with her being medevac trauma nurse because there is SOME legitimacy to her stories, but it pisses me the fuck off so bad when all it is, is ‘oh saved some motorcyclist today’ ‘oh had to land on the mountain and save a guy today’ ‘im one of 9 nurses who are qualified to transport this guy’. Ugh, just thinking of the bragging pisses me the fuck off so bad.
Anger is SOBERING, as a man you absolutely need to embrace you anger, it will burn away so much illusion. Anger wants to crush that which is stopping you, when you are in a hole the only thing you can do is keep climbing. I am not sure what is next in this fucked up tale, but things have changed as the perfection is long gone, and while a night of sex made us ‘closer’ with her insistence of love the pure aggravation and drama is wearing very thin on me. Only her ‘coolness’/’elite-ness’ is at all keeping her around, my fantasy of her being this badass the whole city looks to, to save the day is one final illusion I must utterly burn away but it is hard as its rooted in some fact.