The danger of secrets and chasing sex at cost of family

I am going to relate a short tale of a lesson I learned this week, it involves me chasing sex too much at the cost of my family and the lies necessary to make it happen.

I took a week off to come back to see my family and my sister who was in town, we had some plans for events.  I also had a women in the wings I would be having sex with (the milf/nurse).

From the get-go it required lies, because I would have to dip out of family dinners etc to go pounding.  Sitting here at the end, I realize how stupid I was for falling victim to this addictive desire.  I am close to my family, and to have to lie is a huge rarity, so what, so I could go hook up with an older woman who I shouldnt even be bothering with anyway.

What really hit home was I took my motorcycle out ‘for a ride’ but to go see the milf to pound, later my dad told me my sister was worried about me, that I was out gone so long but must have been ‘meditating’.  I was a bit crushed inside, she had this grand vision of me, and what the fuck was I doing?  LYING and fucking some women I shouldnt be involved with.

I could tell things about how the nurse told me how much I matter to her, how she cried (a very human thing I might add) at me leaving her for a while, or how sex with her is no holds barred…but wtf is the point?  I havent seen my sis in months, and my parents/dogs in a while either and I was lying to them to slam some pussy.

It was a dark reminder to me of how deep I had fallen.  The ‘relationship’ with the nurse is confusing, one-way and likely going to end bad (she either tries to trap and I bail, or she was using me all along) but my relationship with my family is real, and I was sacraficing it.

This is for myself and anyone reading it, PUA/MGTOW etc somewhat preach sex as the be all end all, but after a week of debauchery I look back on it and think ‘holy shit, I may never see some of my family again, and I was wasting these hours fucking some woman’

It is painful, but I am going to internalize how very secondary sex is to much more important things.

Adrenaline in the ‘service of others’ – only drugging a hole in our heart

Soldiers, Fire Fighters, Police, EMS – heroes or internally broken?

I have been in a weird low point lately, but the mark of any man worth anything especially in the manosphere is the ability to actually deal with adversity in their mind and get back up, the major revelation I have had recently is that the group above – of which I was two of them for nine years – by and large actually are internally self-deficient and need the adulation of the crowd and the action of the job to medicate a hole in their heart.

I do not say this lightly, and only came to this through many painful thoughts and self examination. On alt-right blogs its really easy to just endlessly brag about how many girls you slay, how much weight you lift, how badass you are etc, but the more useful stuff is often the men going through the trenches and difficulties along the way. My own problems lately have been this: I left FF/EMS for a much better paying job a few months ago but ‘miss the action’ and also became involved in a flight nurse that fucked with my mind and dredged up bad thoughts and obsessions that were reminiscent of the BPD girl that broke me temporarily years ago.

Stated simply so that I might expand later: the ‘action jobs’ that are flashy and for ‘helping others’ – SWAT, any normal type of police, ambulance/EMS, fire fighting, most solider type jobs, med/air/helicopter evac, rescue – draw the type of people that are seeking it for the DRUG HIGH it gives them, deluding themselves that they are wanted/normal because of this occasional spike of the drug and the wonder of the crowd.

This has given me a really good time to reflect on my past, as I have a great job that is interesting and I don’t mind for now, but my coworkers look at me with an awe of ‘what I did’ with my life, and it is addicting. I did these brave and exciting things they could never imagine doing, but the feelings it left me with were driven entirely by ego. It rekindled a part of me I forgot about and like any drug makes me want MORE.

It evokes feelings of ‘why do this shit when I COULD BE OUT THERE AND THE SCREAMING CROWDS WANT ME TO SAVE THEM!?’ and for months it has been fucking me up, wondering what was wrong with me, if I needed to try to get back into it, and with the flight nurse endlessly push/pulling me with her tales of glory in the helicopter it hit me when I was weak. I went for a long hike in the desert up to this mountain this weekend and I was still infested with memories of ‘what if there was a rescue here, that would be so cool, maybe we could get the helicopter in here, I could rapple off the edge here…’ and part of my mind is like ‘What the fuck is wrong with you!? You are in the awesome area and you are focused on the PAST!’

The best times in my life is when I was most emotionally stable – typically correlated to a lot of mediation and not focused on anything other than bettering myself and looking for truth. My low points are when I stopped controlling my thoughts and get caught up on daily drama, so taking a cue I had a long reflection session during the night looking at the stars. Here is what I realized:

I was thinking about how if there was a big call right now, with police, fire guys, helicopters rolling in, what would they be thinking and desiring? Then it hit me hard: they were there for the action, the hit of intensity, they didn’t really give a shit about the patient, not meaningful. They would argue up and down with me that ‘they care for the patient’ etc etc but they don’t, they are there for what it does TO THEM. They like the feeling of being important, of mattering.

My next thoughts were, why are so many of these types in general so fucked up? By and large when you get down to it, you have to look hard for the NORMAL cop, solider, fire fighter etc. Almost all of them have broken personal lives one way or another, I am dead serious about this- very often divorced, kids from multiple marriages, cheating on partner, secretly gay, and at the very least generally not truly happy.

These people used this not to ‘help people’ that is a pure lie in easily over 90% of people in this, it is they want to feel WANTED, to feel like they matter. Now these feelings are somewhat understandable, but this is from a childish point of view, it is the high school mentality of ‘I want to be popular’. They have such an unexamined hole in their life that subconsciously the only way to drug the pain away is the hits of intensity of a big call. Change the call/rescue/shootout for alcohol and the problem is a lot more obvious of the problem they are attempting to make go away.

This was a big one for me, did I truly ‘want to go back’ to this world where the people I was fantasizing about were BROKEN? Would I be happy to be the flight nurse that has kids she barely gets to see, a husband she cheats on with a younger guy, that her PERSONAL VALUE IS DETERMINED BY THE ADORATION OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HER?

These revelations almost brought me to tears, in a way that I was leaving behind illusions of a childhood and facing a cold reality that few dare venture into.

There is a good quote in the Hagakure – a Samurai book – that basically goes along the lines of that an average man will talk about doing something whereas the true stalwart will head out silently to battle and die without saying a word (they were big on dying). But the whole point was that there is a difference between the talkers and ego-seekers and the people who JUST DO. If you truly gave a shit about helping, you would be silently volunteering at an animal shelter, or handing out food to homeless people or taking a trip to Africa – something NO ONE ELSE SEES. Where you are a ‘hero’ because you know to YOURSELF that you are doing the right thing, not that ‘hey hey look at me, I’m the hero, look at how badass I am!’ People are far more interested in the image than the reality. They want to be known as the Solider or the Pilot, or the Flight Nurse or the Fire Fighter, they don’t really give a shit about doing it for the sake of doing it.

Deep in the addicted throes of passion, it did not hit me at the time, but the MILF flight nurse was/is like this, she would call and leave voice mails ‘Hi~ This is your favorite flight nurse!~’ it mildly hit me as odd then, but now that I’m more woken up I realize how identity driven it is. Why not ‘Hey EK this is Nicole, I sure miss you!’. When I am with her I don’t think ‘wow sure is fun fucking a flight nurse’ its ‘she as an individual is fun to be with’ . But in retrospect I realize how fundamentally deep the problems of all these people are. I should start leaving voice mails for girls ‘Hey this is your favorite big dicked fire fighter, EMT, cliff rescuer bitch!’ It is a disturbing reality even as I kid I never wanted to be: defined by my job.

This happens with soldiers a lot too, how often is if someone was in the military, you damn sure well know it? Nearly always. Now contrast this with someone who only later you find out there were in ‘wtf you were in Vietnam/Iraq/etc !?’ it adds so much legitimacy to them – not that they are legit because they were in, but because it is NOT part of who they are. Police/EMS/Fire Fighters/ Evac/ Rescue is very rarely lke this, you also damn well sure know they are in – and again this feeds into the entire point their IDENTITY is defined by this role. They are ‘Frank the badass SWAT guy’ not ‘Jack who likes to fish, has a son who really likes him, likes to read and goes out every Friday with his wife.’

As I was sitting there looking at the stars, I had thoughts of wanting to go back into rescue, but I realized how mis-driven this was, I didn’t really care about saving the person, not meaningfully, it was the intensity and action and hit of that drug. I realized it was a symptom of a hole in my own heart. I smiled and realized what it was. I was glad I did it, it taught me a lot, not everything was ‘good’ certainly, but on the whole I am glad I am out, I can work on myself and don’t have nearly the damage all these other people do. I realize it for the drug it is.

This is not an excuse for people ‘well, sure glad I didn’t go into that shit!’ as people don’t ever know what it’s like until they are actually in, but it’s that by and large if people stay in its typically for the way wrong reasons. Ironically, a lot of these people are in a painful tragedy. Their personal lives are a wreck and they ‘want’ to help others – and might even generally be sincere about this – but what they do is chase a drug that hides the reality. They get the hit of ‘being wanted’ and desired and important, all feelings they lack in their regular and personal life and the drug hits, sedating them enough so the pain never reaches increasingly critical levels and allows them to progress in a general haze of the height of their life being the occasional action and the pain never progressing beyond a subconscious dullness of ‘wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?’

I can speak because I was there, and only know I realize this after much pain and self reflection. Most people don’t care at all about discovering themselves, and these types are even less likely, because their job is a drug to keep them addicted and off the pure bottom a lot of others succumb to.



Men are slowly waking up

One thing I notice a lot online is a vast multitude of people, and especially white men who are waking up and understanding what is really at stake here. People from widely diverse backgrounds and forums who are all seeing a little angle of the illusion we are fed and saying ‘I don’t think this is right’, and its gaining momentum.

A irony is the more the powers and money that be try to stop this – and boy stop it they do – the more proof of everything ‘radical’ that is being claimed is true. In case you are unaware, two of the largest offenders are jewbo…facebook and youtube, where any pro-white comment is censored and deleted and routinely profiles or videos removed completely. Of course you can be pro-jamal or homo as much as you want and everyone sings praises on your tolerance and diversity.

What is so encouraging though, is every on mainstream media stores – very heavily censored typically so they either don’t last long, or aren’t censored and become true reflections of how much people hate the shit they are fed by multicultraism and cultural Marxism. Very typically it will be some story by a women – nearly always a women as they often are the most unwitting of pawns to the forces of money/darkness – praising some aspect of cultural destruction or another. Often it is things like how great it is women are working longer hours, women are allowed into combat, having less kids, men are more in touch with their feelings, how great it is to have a lot of mixed cultural friends etc etc ad nusaum in every sense. But…you scroll down to the comments and instead of endless dick sucking of how great it is that women don’t raise kids anymore you see…dissidence. You see criticism of the narrative, that maybe having women in power isn’t so good, that blacks maybe actually are more violent or dumb than whites, that forced integration isn’t that good of an idea.

Of course there are wildly different ideas, but what matters is there is finally divergence from the established liberal thought infecting everything. Again to speak candidly, there are a LOT of liberal ideas I agree with – typically the ideas never put forth instead of their endless ‘other love’ and diversity and faggotry and affirmative action that have helped ruin the world.

But gaming forums, exercise forums, relationship forums, news articles, blogs, areas across the internet that share only the commonality that men and/or whites frequent it and they are starting to have an emergent phenomenon of realizing the game against us, and starting to wake up. It is great, I hope it does not get stopped and I am not sure it can because we have finally appropriated a lot of their weapons against us such as shaming and terms like ‘racist’/sexist. There is a cold rationality awaking that no longer cares if you call it racist, or sexist or antijew because all that term proves was how right their own convictions are. Because that is The Script, and we are finally figuring it out, and ready to accept our label but now we are ready to change the ending.

I’m falling victim to oneitis

Damn boys (and girls) I wish I had a more cheery topic, but maybe some of my readers can help me out as I am falling into oneitis (even though I have a different girl I can have sex with).  I have recently fallen VERY hard for the MILF I am currently slamming.  What didn’t help was a 2 day vacation together that was basically endless sex.

For a while I was actually distancing myself from her, she seemed like (and prob still is) playing games of a sort, but she was down to meet at a hotel/resort and paid most of the bill and we got too it.  She orgasms super easy which is kind of hot, and at the time I was just going through the motions.  After it was all over about 2-3 days the feelings hit HARD. I think about her a lot, often fantasically of ‘how cool her job is’ (flight nurse) or how big of a call she must be on.  It plays into my past as a fire fighter because of the adrenaline rush of calls and that she only goes on the ‘big ones’, so I am sitting on the road lonely, thinking of her.

A MAJOR problem is she is in a divorce battle for the kids (she might still be married legally) and supposedly can only call on private phones, so I have to wait till she calls me about 1-2 a week, and it fucks with me bad.  She has kids too which means im never #1, and she is 45, which is no good long term either.

I see a pic of her and I feel disgust that she isn’t that hot, yet emotionally I am insanely addicted…. 😦

Help me out readers…