A criticism leveled at MGTOW is that they are ‘basement dwelling virgins’ – as if any of those are really that big of a deal, and forget that the major point is simply accepting the stacked deck against us and proceeding from there to improve ourselves, the topic for today is about neediness in our hearts, and the desperation that infects us.
I have learned a lot during my 3-4 years of red pill knowledge and practice, I grew a lot, and have really learned what the game is, but even now I still fall victim to neediness. In a way, true MGTOW are ironically more susceptible to neediness in that if they ever find a legit girl in the trash it becomes easier to obsess and WANT her because of her rarity.
I have a women I have hooked up with a few times, it was sporadic, but generally fun as she was not inhibited. But as of recent, she started giving me more attention and increasing contact. I was surprised in myself, that being hardened off the BPD girl years ago I ‘knew’ the games and what to expect, but I still YEARNED for the attention. I wanted her next texts, her next calls. I knew it was wrong, and that I ‘shouldn’t’ but the best I could do was silently stew and resist calling/texting back. This is not a tale of how badass I am, as this is never what this blog has been so much as it is my own travels down this road of unfulfillment trying to be better.
The women has a pretty cool job, she is on a medical helicopter crew that rescues people. A major problem in our minds is we like to exaggerate and build up how great/cool our interest is. Unfortunately, she hit a few that caused me problems, being a nurse there was the whole fetish aspect mixed with that nurses are supposed to be hot and caring, then she rode helicopters – which I long had a fascination with aircraft and almost joined military – and lastly did rescues, which was my life for many, many years.
But here is where the learning point is for myself and another else reading this, her job in a lot of ways was PERFECT fuel for my building her up in my mind ‘wow so badass, everyone turns to her, she is riding around in the air saving people’ etc etc, even now I feel this (and I don’t want to tear her down, as I actually enjoy her, I am only expressing thoughts) but my logical part of my brain tells me ‘you gave a shit about air flight crews before she got on radar’ which is a huge key to the whole puzzle. It’s oneitis-like symptoms. When I see a different helicopter do I care about THOSE people? No. Only the fantasy they represent.
Fast forward a bit, I just got back from a 2 day tryst with her at a resort, this was after about a month of furtive 1-2 texts or calls a week. As a warning to guys out there, this is the magic number that really fucks you up, as if it is even lower, say 1/month most guys will typically get the clue and move on, every day and you either got that girl or you dislike her. But this intermittent reinforcement is enough that we start to withdraw right as we get pulled back. This mixed with the fetish fuel and long hours to think it was easy to become ‘obsessed’ and think of her more than I should.
Then the thoughts always become self-defeating ‘I bet shes doing something cool’ ‘I ain’t doing anything cool’ ‘does she like me?’ ‘why does she like me? she shouldn’t like me’, it will fuck you up on multiple levels, make you criticize yourself endlessly. The only thing that really helps is other girls, for a while I was chasing a different girl – who was a closet feminist and worst ‘date’ I’d ever been on – which helped me forget.
Despite my own internal drama, I generally kept it cool on the outside, which is what PUA/MGTOW always espouses. Here was the statements that brought a lot of this home, and remember I am partly caught up on this girl, I see helicopters in other cities and it starts a bad cycle of ‘wow I bet they are doing something cooler’ or ‘She is so cool, why does she like me?’ but she told me that following: she thinks of me a lot, is attracted to my lack of neediness, and is always wondering what I am doing or going.
I contained my laugh, because at the least my neediness did not show, I played it cool. But here is what also hit me, here was this women I was slightly losing my mind over, thinking so cool of job/life and….SHE WAS THINKING OF ME.
I had built up this massive illusion in my mind, massive self-deprecation along the way, and all it was, was wrong. I realized I built up this impossible dream, lifting a person into a godlike perfection and it took the fact that Ms.Godlike was thinking of a peon like me to realize it was an illusion I had ascribed her to. I could tell some others this story and they would shrug their shoulders and not give a shit she flies a helicopter and comes in with night vision goggles to save the day – and that is how I should be if I didn’t have mild obsession. It was a slap to my face to see that her unassailable fantasy I made up was not that perfect because she wondered what Road Warrior me was up to across the deserts. I was the badass the girl wondered about…IF I WOULD ONLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF.
^This is kind of like that I didn’t care about that career before her, just like if a commenter told me his perfect girl was a race car driver, or firearm instructor or whatever, its generally IRRELEVANT or red flag-y, I would simple say ‘that’s kind of cool’ but when we do that we start to crush on their attributes rather than the person. It becomes a caricature, ‘race car driver, hot, hikes’ and it takes a life of its own. We create these perfect fantasies where ‘if she likes hiking she must like animals, and if she is that caring she must love giving blow jobs, and oh I bet she loves getting fucked from behind, and maybe she will teach me how to drive…’ and then each fast car you see becomes a reminder of ‘Wow Janet could drive that thing really fast I bet…I wonder if I have a chance with her…’
Understanding girls, and in contrast our own mental processes in a quest few take on. The road is not short, it is not easy, and failures are common, even 4 years in with rotating girls I still struggle with things like neediness or masking desperation but it is a work in progress and I try to grow as much as I can.
This is kind of a personal post so let me know any of your own stories or reactions to what I just said.