Eradicating neediness and desperation from our souls

A criticism leveled at MGTOW is that they are ‘basement dwelling virgins’ – as if any of those are really that big of a deal, and forget that the major point is simply accepting the stacked deck against us and proceeding from there to improve ourselves, the topic for today is about neediness in our hearts, and the desperation that infects us.

I have learned a lot during my 3-4 years of red pill knowledge and practice, I grew a lot, and have really learned what the game is, but even now I still fall victim to neediness.  In a way, true MGTOW are ironically more susceptible to neediness in that if they ever find a legit girl in the trash it becomes easier to obsess and WANT her because of her rarity.

I have a women I have hooked up with a few times, it was sporadic, but generally fun as she was not inhibited.  But as of recent, she started giving me more attention and increasing contact.  I was surprised in myself, that being hardened off the BPD girl years ago I ‘knew’ the games and what to expect, but I still YEARNED for the attention.  I wanted her next texts, her next calls.  I knew it was wrong, and that I ‘shouldn’t’ but the best I could do was silently stew and resist calling/texting back.  This is not a tale of how badass I am, as this is never what this blog has been so much as it is my own travels down this road of unfulfillment trying to be better.

The women has a pretty cool job, she is on a medical helicopter crew that rescues people.  A major problem in our minds is we like to exaggerate and build up how great/cool our interest is.  Unfortunately, she hit a few that caused me problems, being a nurse there was the whole fetish aspect mixed with that nurses are supposed to be hot and caring, then she rode helicopters – which I long had a fascination with aircraft and almost joined military – and lastly did rescues, which was my life for many, many years.

But here is where the learning point is for myself and another else reading this, her job in a lot of ways was PERFECT fuel for my building her up in my mind ‘wow so badass, everyone turns to her, she is riding around in the air saving people’ etc etc, even now I feel this (and I don’t want to tear her down, as I actually enjoy her, I am only expressing thoughts) but my logical part of my brain tells me ‘you gave a shit about air flight crews before she got on radar’ which is a huge key to the whole puzzle.  It’s oneitis-like symptoms.  When I see a different helicopter do I care about THOSE people?  No.  Only the fantasy they represent.

Fast forward a bit, I just got back from a 2 day tryst with her at a resort, this was after about a month of furtive 1-2 texts or calls a week.  As a warning to guys out there, this is the magic number that really fucks you up, as if it is even lower, say 1/month most guys will typically get the clue and move on, every day and you either got that girl or you dislike her.  But this intermittent reinforcement is enough that we start to withdraw right as we get pulled back.  This mixed with the fetish fuel and long hours to think it was easy to become ‘obsessed’ and think of her more than I should.

Then the thoughts always become self-defeating ‘I bet shes doing something cool’ ‘I ain’t doing anything cool’ ‘does she like me?’ ‘why does she like me? she shouldn’t like me’, it will fuck you up on multiple levels, make you criticize yourself endlessly.  The only thing that really helps is other girls, for a while I was chasing a different girl – who was a closet feminist and worst ‘date’ I’d ever been on – which helped me forget.

Despite my own internal drama, I generally kept it cool on the outside, which is what PUA/MGTOW always espouses.  Here was the statements that brought a lot of this home, and remember I am partly caught up on this girl, I see helicopters in other cities and it starts a bad cycle of ‘wow I bet they are doing something cooler’ or ‘She is so cool, why does she like me?’ but she told me that following: she thinks of me a lot, is attracted to my lack of neediness, and is always wondering what I am doing or going.

I contained my laugh, because at the least my neediness did not show, I played it cool.  But here is what also hit me, here was this women I was slightly losing my mind over, thinking so cool of job/life and….SHE WAS THINKING OF ME.

I had built up this massive illusion in my mind, massive self-deprecation along the way, and all it was, was wrong.  I realized I built up this impossible dream, lifting a person into a godlike perfection and it took the fact that Ms.Godlike was thinking of a peon like me to realize it was an illusion I had ascribed her to.  I could tell some others this story and they would shrug their shoulders and not give a shit she flies a helicopter and comes in with night vision goggles to save the day – and that is how I should be if I didn’t have mild obsession.  It was a slap to my face to see that her unassailable fantasy I made up was not that perfect because she wondered what Road Warrior me was up to across the deserts.  I was the badass the girl wondered about…IF I WOULD ONLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF.

^This is kind of like that I didn’t care about that career before her, just like if a commenter told me his perfect girl was a race car driver, or firearm instructor or whatever, its generally IRRELEVANT or red flag-y, I would simple say ‘that’s kind of cool’ but when we do that we start to crush on their attributes rather than the person.  It becomes a caricature, ‘race car driver, hot, hikes’ and it takes a life of its own.  We create these perfect fantasies where ‘if she likes hiking she must like animals, and if she is that caring she must love giving blow jobs, and oh I bet she loves getting fucked from behind, and maybe she will teach me how to drive…’ and then each fast car you see becomes a reminder of ‘Wow Janet could drive that thing really fast I bet…I wonder if I have a chance with her…’

Understanding girls, and in contrast our own mental processes in a quest few take on.  The road is not short, it is not easy, and failures are common, even 4 years in with rotating girls I still struggle with things like neediness or masking desperation but it is a work in progress and I try to grow as much as I can.

This is kind of a personal post so let me know any of your own stories or reactions to what I just said.

Remember the basics with women: Actions > Words

I am going to present to you two girls in my life that are ready to get the boot from my mind as a lesson for those occasionally stuck in girl’s wiles.  I am no pro, far from it, but I have come a very long way and can offer you advice simply based on how addicted I was at times to girls, and how it occasionally resurfaces.

The two girls are two recent slams of mine, this 19 year old and this MILF, for a very brief reminder, I took 19yo virginity about a year ago, I never esp. liked her by she was someone I hung out with and always wished that she was more entertaining but lacked a key vital spark, MILF was a ONS that was a pretty sick take down I wrote about, she was a crazy fun fuck – really lack inhibitions, guess the rumor of nurses being good lays is true.

I treated 19yo kind of like shit, mainly because I knew there was no future and she existed to see how much I could craft her sexuality and how much a girl would take in terms of abuse.  I pushed it pretty hard with a different girl in the past, and in this regard they are stunning.  Her major issue other than lacking energy was this independence/defiance, and she was conservative so this wasnt a liberal thing.  To any girl reading this: DEFIANCE/’INDEPENDENCE’ IS NOT HOT AT ALL – despite anything your fat single friends tell you.

I’d have kicked her earlier, but it was so funny watching this girl, I could get her to drive 10 hours for a fuck and remorselessly kick her out of my truck and busting a nut, I was a bit stunned at my coldness, but she would always be back.  She has been at college a year now, and while I could tolerate her at first, she thinks she is real cute playing games like waiting to text back, being vague etc, the change is definitely notable to me.

Whats funny though, if beyond an intellectual amusement I give a shit about her, I broke her pretty far to my sexual will, and she will have a tough time finding a guy that was like EK in bed.  But thats what happens, when a girl is shitty or evasive I could give a shit about keeping them around, in that regard I have grown so much from the desperation I once had.  I read bodybuilding forum a lot and most of those guys on there are messes with girls, and these are guys you’d expect to be at least a bit of a cut above given a physicality, but guys, you need to get with the program here: WHEN GIRLS ARE BITCHES LET THEM GO AND SPARE YOURSELF SOME PRIDE.

19yo is easy, she is just evasive/unresponsive, its easy to see that for what it is, a ploy to get you to come back harder or that she has moved on, either way your move is same: abort.

MILF took me a bit longer to figure her ploy, we met and fucked a few times after, and she has this thing about being secret from the divorced father and calls me on public phones, weird I know but she always shows up for the fuck and I never thought much about it.  She started getting a lot more relationshipy for a while there, calling and texting how she was thinking about me etc, she actually is pretty cool and I mistakenly allowed myself the thought that you can be good friends with a girl and also fuck buddies – you can’t.  Guys develop feelings too easy generally except when at a full arms length like I kept the 19yo.

Anyway, so thats not where it ends, it perhaps seems like simple ‘old lady wants beta relationship’ but see that where it gets fun, because what I realized was it was a rather skillful strategy she was running, gradually building up her attention to me mixed with completely wild sex, promise me more sex…and then gradually dial it down.  It was subtle, and honestly I dont know if its consciously calculated or simply a result of innate girl abilities, but slow it down enough that I get addicted to intermittent reinforcement to her, and that I start chasing HER.  For reference I would her from her about every 2-3 days and get 1-2 emails a week.

It hit me when I wrote a short paragraph email to her – she had been writing me, and remember I thought we were ‘good friends’ and then a few days later a simple ‘thinking of you 🙂 ‘ -which by the way is nearly the EXACT same line the BPD girl who fucked me up used all the time which makes me think its an established girl routine.  But it hit me in that I was getting in over my head, that a MILF i fucked on occasion I was developing feelings for, and I saw with clarity how skillfully she was trying to get me into her web.  It was no accident I hadn’t heard from her in a week, before she had been talking how she was making plans to come visit me any weekend now, and that the only email was a dumb 3 word thing amidst the silence.  She was trying to game me, friends don’t game friends.

It slapped me a bit, but it sobered me up, once pre-bpd girl I would have clung to this email, yay, she is thinking of me.  But girls actions are EVERYTHING, girls will drives hours to fuck you, and if they aren’t answering a text or email it is entirely for a reason.

Again, it doesn’t really matter the reason, either she no longer likes you, you pushed to hard, she is trying to game you and the answer is always the same: disengage.  You may not need to abandon completely, but none of those reasons are good for you and only by pulling back, realizing it, can you ever salvage anything.

NEVER EVER make excuses, oh she must be busy, so glad she could write me THREE WORDS…girls come in waves, you simply have to know when its time to move on.

Of Africans and Europeans

I was running a drilling rig today – yes some men actually have jobs and do manly things, and oddly there was a  group of students from a university with us to get samples, all of them were graduates, and all of them were foreign, despite it being a USA school – guess despite their bitching about americans still want to be here

3 of them, one guy from france, fairly outgoing and capitalized female attention but had that gay metrosexual down to an art.  I bet he actually DOES get some girls, but I have no idea the quality.

The two others one was perhaps from spain, cute face but a bit of a man jaw, nice body but a bit too small and lacking meat nearly anywhere.  I talked her a bit but she wasn’t feeling it.  Last was a girl from Tunis, really nice but a bit fat, she was fun to talk to.  What I thought was interesting, was I asked her, ‘do you consider yourself european or african’ – knowing of course that tunis WAS on Africa, but what modern euro-like girl wants to be from the shithole of the world?

Her answer I thought was pretty telling for its simplicity ‘We are North Africans’, I had to laugh, she even proceeded to slyly smile and mention some comment about how bad the rest of Africa is.  So despite any protests to the contrary, even hyper-feminized euro zone STILL did not want to be associated with the jamal capital of the world.  It’d kind of be like ‘hey arent you an american?’ ‘Nope, I’m a west coastian’.

Anyway, I found it a bit ironic these people were here, part of masters/phd training, inevitably thinking I was ‘dumb’ because I was on a drilling rig, I smiled to myself thinking of that I had nearly concurrent education as them, and wondering would they succeed in the over-flooded education world we find ourselves, or would someone somewhere think they are perfect and pay an overinflated wage in the waning years of this global empire before it all crashes and burns?

New crop of females aint looking so good

I don’t have internet much, which is actually really nice, my productivity has spiked, and I am sitting at macodonardos poaching their internet and there is a high school/college track meet over the road.  I walked over to see if there were any hot girls, and there were a few, but I was surprised these were RUNNERS and most of them had a bit of pork on them, having some serious lordosis going on as well.

I was surprised by how bitchy they were too.  There was a group of girls taunting people as they walked by, as I walked by she slapped her legs and said something about ‘come ‘er boy!’ I am not sure she was talking to me but I was the closest, one of the others said ‘i thought you were going to hit him’.  They were not particularly hot, but as I looked at them, and the vast majority of the males around me with earrings, and tattoos it was very hard to not think I was witnessing the late stages of collapse of our society.

Guys raised to be thugs, and girls impolite fat whores, hard to believe the ‘good white picket fence family’ of the 60s was not that far back.

Normally this age range of 18-21 is supposed to be the hottest a girl is, and when I saw these I was not impressed.  Some were outright fat, but a lot had about 10 pounds to lose, and these were the athletic ones, a lot of them didn’t even look like with the weight lose they would be good.

How can a society last long when the replacement generations are even more deranged than the prior ones, and this shit only gets worse?