The danger of secrets and chasing sex at cost of family

I am going to relate a short tale of a lesson I learned this week, it involves me chasing sex too much at the cost of my family and the lies necessary to make it happen.

I took a week off to come back to see my family and my sister who was in town, we had some plans for events.  I also had a women in the wings I would be having sex with (the milf/nurse).

From the get-go it required lies, because I would have to dip out of family dinners etc to go pounding.  Sitting here at the end, I realize how stupid I was for falling victim to this addictive desire.  I am close to my family, and to have to lie is a huge rarity, so what, so I could go hook up with an older woman who I shouldnt even be bothering with anyway.

What really hit home was I took my motorcycle out ‘for a ride’ but to go see the milf to pound, later my dad told me my sister was worried about me, that I was out gone so long but must have been ‘meditating’.  I was a bit crushed inside, she had this grand vision of me, and what the fuck was I doing?  LYING and fucking some women I shouldnt be involved with.

I could tell things about how the nurse told me how much I matter to her, how she cried (a very human thing I might add) at me leaving her for a while, or how sex with her is no holds barred…but wtf is the point?  I havent seen my sis in months, and my parents/dogs in a while either and I was lying to them to slam some pussy.

It was a dark reminder to me of how deep I had fallen.  The ‘relationship’ with the nurse is confusing, one-way and likely going to end bad (she either tries to trap and I bail, or she was using me all along) but my relationship with my family is real, and I was sacraficing it.

This is for myself and anyone reading it, PUA/MGTOW etc somewhat preach sex as the be all end all, but after a week of debauchery I look back on it and think ‘holy shit, I may never see some of my family again, and I was wasting these hours fucking some woman’

It is painful, but I am going to internalize how very secondary sex is to much more important things.

Adrenaline in the ‘service of others’ – only drugging a hole in our heart

Soldiers, Fire Fighters, Police, EMS – heroes or internally broken?

I have been in a weird low point lately, but the mark of any man worth anything especially in the manosphere is the ability to actually deal with adversity in their mind and get back up, the major revelation I have had recently is that the group above – of which I was two of them for nine years – by and large actually are internally self-deficient and need the adulation of the crowd and the action of the job to medicate a hole in their heart.

I do not say this lightly, and only came to this through many painful thoughts and self examination. On alt-right blogs its really easy to just endlessly brag about how many girls you slay, how much weight you lift, how badass you are etc, but the more useful stuff is often the men going through the trenches and difficulties along the way. My own problems lately have been this: I left FF/EMS for a much better paying job a few months ago but ‘miss the action’ and also became involved in a flight nurse that fucked with my mind and dredged up bad thoughts and obsessions that were reminiscent of the BPD girl that broke me temporarily years ago.

Stated simply so that I might expand later: the ‘action jobs’ that are flashy and for ‘helping others’ – SWAT, any normal type of police, ambulance/EMS, fire fighting, most solider type jobs, med/air/helicopter evac, rescue – draw the type of people that are seeking it for the DRUG HIGH it gives them, deluding themselves that they are wanted/normal because of this occasional spike of the drug and the wonder of the crowd.

This has given me a really good time to reflect on my past, as I have a great job that is interesting and I don’t mind for now, but my coworkers look at me with an awe of ‘what I did’ with my life, and it is addicting. I did these brave and exciting things they could never imagine doing, but the feelings it left me with were driven entirely by ego. It rekindled a part of me I forgot about and like any drug makes me want MORE.

It evokes feelings of ‘why do this shit when I COULD BE OUT THERE AND THE SCREAMING CROWDS WANT ME TO SAVE THEM!?’ and for months it has been fucking me up, wondering what was wrong with me, if I needed to try to get back into it, and with the flight nurse endlessly push/pulling me with her tales of glory in the helicopter it hit me when I was weak. I went for a long hike in the desert up to this mountain this weekend and I was still infested with memories of ‘what if there was a rescue here, that would be so cool, maybe we could get the helicopter in here, I could rapple off the edge here…’ and part of my mind is like ‘What the fuck is wrong with you!? You are in the awesome area and you are focused on the PAST!’

The best times in my life is when I was most emotionally stable – typically correlated to a lot of mediation and not focused on anything other than bettering myself and looking for truth. My low points are when I stopped controlling my thoughts and get caught up on daily drama, so taking a cue I had a long reflection session during the night looking at the stars. Here is what I realized:

I was thinking about how if there was a big call right now, with police, fire guys, helicopters rolling in, what would they be thinking and desiring? Then it hit me hard: they were there for the action, the hit of intensity, they didn’t really give a shit about the patient, not meaningful. They would argue up and down with me that ‘they care for the patient’ etc etc but they don’t, they are there for what it does TO THEM. They like the feeling of being important, of mattering.

My next thoughts were, why are so many of these types in general so fucked up? By and large when you get down to it, you have to look hard for the NORMAL cop, solider, fire fighter etc. Almost all of them have broken personal lives one way or another, I am dead serious about this- very often divorced, kids from multiple marriages, cheating on partner, secretly gay, and at the very least generally not truly happy.

These people used this not to ‘help people’ that is a pure lie in easily over 90% of people in this, it is they want to feel WANTED, to feel like they matter. Now these feelings are somewhat understandable, but this is from a childish point of view, it is the high school mentality of ‘I want to be popular’. They have such an unexamined hole in their life that subconsciously the only way to drug the pain away is the hits of intensity of a big call. Change the call/rescue/shootout for alcohol and the problem is a lot more obvious of the problem they are attempting to make go away.

This was a big one for me, did I truly ‘want to go back’ to this world where the people I was fantasizing about were BROKEN? Would I be happy to be the flight nurse that has kids she barely gets to see, a husband she cheats on with a younger guy, that her PERSONAL VALUE IS DETERMINED BY THE ADORATION OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HER?

These revelations almost brought me to tears, in a way that I was leaving behind illusions of a childhood and facing a cold reality that few dare venture into.

There is a good quote in the Hagakure – a Samurai book – that basically goes along the lines of that an average man will talk about doing something whereas the true stalwart will head out silently to battle and die without saying a word (they were big on dying). But the whole point was that there is a difference between the talkers and ego-seekers and the people who JUST DO. If you truly gave a shit about helping, you would be silently volunteering at an animal shelter, or handing out food to homeless people or taking a trip to Africa – something NO ONE ELSE SEES. Where you are a ‘hero’ because you know to YOURSELF that you are doing the right thing, not that ‘hey hey look at me, I’m the hero, look at how badass I am!’ People are far more interested in the image than the reality. They want to be known as the Solider or the Pilot, or the Flight Nurse or the Fire Fighter, they don’t really give a shit about doing it for the sake of doing it.

Deep in the addicted throes of passion, it did not hit me at the time, but the MILF flight nurse was/is like this, she would call and leave voice mails ‘Hi~ This is your favorite flight nurse!~’ it mildly hit me as odd then, but now that I’m more woken up I realize how identity driven it is. Why not ‘Hey EK this is Nicole, I sure miss you!’. When I am with her I don’t think ‘wow sure is fun fucking a flight nurse’ its ‘she as an individual is fun to be with’ . But in retrospect I realize how fundamentally deep the problems of all these people are. I should start leaving voice mails for girls ‘Hey this is your favorite big dicked fire fighter, EMT, cliff rescuer bitch!’ It is a disturbing reality even as I kid I never wanted to be: defined by my job.

This happens with soldiers a lot too, how often is if someone was in the military, you damn sure well know it? Nearly always. Now contrast this with someone who only later you find out there were in ‘wtf you were in Vietnam/Iraq/etc !?’ it adds so much legitimacy to them – not that they are legit because they were in, but because it is NOT part of who they are. Police/EMS/Fire Fighters/ Evac/ Rescue is very rarely lke this, you also damn well sure know they are in – and again this feeds into the entire point their IDENTITY is defined by this role. They are ‘Frank the badass SWAT guy’ not ‘Jack who likes to fish, has a son who really likes him, likes to read and goes out every Friday with his wife.’

As I was sitting there looking at the stars, I had thoughts of wanting to go back into rescue, but I realized how mis-driven this was, I didn’t really care about saving the person, not meaningfully, it was the intensity and action and hit of that drug. I realized it was a symptom of a hole in my own heart. I smiled and realized what it was. I was glad I did it, it taught me a lot, not everything was ‘good’ certainly, but on the whole I am glad I am out, I can work on myself and don’t have nearly the damage all these other people do. I realize it for the drug it is.

This is not an excuse for people ‘well, sure glad I didn’t go into that shit!’ as people don’t ever know what it’s like until they are actually in, but it’s that by and large if people stay in its typically for the way wrong reasons. Ironically, a lot of these people are in a painful tragedy. Their personal lives are a wreck and they ‘want’ to help others – and might even generally be sincere about this – but what they do is chase a drug that hides the reality. They get the hit of ‘being wanted’ and desired and important, all feelings they lack in their regular and personal life and the drug hits, sedating them enough so the pain never reaches increasingly critical levels and allows them to progress in a general haze of the height of their life being the occasional action and the pain never progressing beyond a subconscious dullness of ‘wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?’

I can speak because I was there, and only know I realize this after much pain and self reflection. Most people don’t care at all about discovering themselves, and these types are even less likely, because their job is a drug to keep them addicted and off the pure bottom a lot of others succumb to.

 

ek41

Men are slowly waking up

One thing I notice a lot online is a vast multitude of people, and especially white men who are waking up and understanding what is really at stake here. People from widely diverse backgrounds and forums who are all seeing a little angle of the illusion we are fed and saying ‘I don’t think this is right’, and its gaining momentum.

A irony is the more the powers and money that be try to stop this – and boy stop it they do – the more proof of everything ‘radical’ that is being claimed is true. In case you are unaware, two of the largest offenders are jewbo…facebook and youtube, where any pro-white comment is censored and deleted and routinely profiles or videos removed completely. Of course you can be pro-jamal or homo as much as you want and everyone sings praises on your tolerance and diversity.

What is so encouraging though, is every on mainstream media stores – very heavily censored typically so they either don’t last long, or aren’t censored and become true reflections of how much people hate the shit they are fed by multicultraism and cultural Marxism. Very typically it will be some story by a women – nearly always a women as they often are the most unwitting of pawns to the forces of money/darkness – praising some aspect of cultural destruction or another. Often it is things like how great it is women are working longer hours, women are allowed into combat, having less kids, men are more in touch with their feelings, how great it is to have a lot of mixed cultural friends etc etc ad nusaum in every sense. But…you scroll down to the comments and instead of endless dick sucking of how great it is that women don’t raise kids anymore you see…dissidence. You see criticism of the narrative, that maybe having women in power isn’t so good, that blacks maybe actually are more violent or dumb than whites, that forced integration isn’t that good of an idea.

Of course there are wildly different ideas, but what matters is there is finally divergence from the established liberal thought infecting everything. Again to speak candidly, there are a LOT of liberal ideas I agree with – typically the ideas never put forth instead of their endless ‘other love’ and diversity and faggotry and affirmative action that have helped ruin the world.

But gaming forums, exercise forums, relationship forums, news articles, blogs, areas across the internet that share only the commonality that men and/or whites frequent it and they are starting to have an emergent phenomenon of realizing the game against us, and starting to wake up. It is great, I hope it does not get stopped and I am not sure it can because we have finally appropriated a lot of their weapons against us such as shaming and terms like ‘racist’/sexist. There is a cold rationality awaking that no longer cares if you call it racist, or sexist or antijew because all that term proves was how right their own convictions are. Because that is The Script, and we are finally figuring it out, and ready to accept our label but now we are ready to change the ending.

I’m falling victim to oneitis

Damn boys (and girls) I wish I had a more cheery topic, but maybe some of my readers can help me out as I am falling into oneitis (even though I have a different girl I can have sex with).  I have recently fallen VERY hard for the MILF I am currently slamming.  What didn’t help was a 2 day vacation together that was basically endless sex.

For a while I was actually distancing myself from her, she seemed like (and prob still is) playing games of a sort, but she was down to meet at a hotel/resort and paid most of the bill and we got too it.  She orgasms super easy which is kind of hot, and at the time I was just going through the motions.  After it was all over about 2-3 days the feelings hit HARD. I think about her a lot, often fantasically of ‘how cool her job is’ (flight nurse) or how big of a call she must be on.  It plays into my past as a fire fighter because of the adrenaline rush of calls and that she only goes on the ‘big ones’, so I am sitting on the road lonely, thinking of her.

A MAJOR problem is she is in a divorce battle for the kids (she might still be married legally) and supposedly can only call on private phones, so I have to wait till she calls me about 1-2 a week, and it fucks with me bad.  She has kids too which means im never #1, and she is 45, which is no good long term either.

I see a pic of her and I feel disgust that she isn’t that hot, yet emotionally I am insanely addicted…. :(

Help me out readers…

Eradicating neediness and desperation from our souls

A criticism leveled at MGTOW is that they are ‘basement dwelling virgins’ – as if any of those are really that big of a deal, and forget that the major point is simply accepting the stacked deck against us and proceeding from there to improve ourselves, the topic for today is about neediness in our hearts, and the desperation that infects us.

I have learned a lot during my 3-4 years of red pill knowledge and practice, I grew a lot, and have really learned what the game is, but even now I still fall victim to neediness.  In a way, true MGTOW are ironically more susceptible to neediness in that if they ever find a legit girl in the trash it becomes easier to obsess and WANT her because of her rarity.

I have a women I have hooked up with a few times, it was sporadic, but generally fun as she was not inhibited.  But as of recent, she started giving me more attention and increasing contact.  I was surprised in myself, that being hardened off the BPD girl years ago I ‘knew’ the games and what to expect, but I still YEARNED for the attention.  I wanted her next texts, her next calls.  I knew it was wrong, and that I ‘shouldn’t’ but the best I could do was silently stew and resist calling/texting back.  This is not a tale of how badass I am, as this is never what this blog has been so much as it is my own travels down this road of unfulfillment trying to be better.

The women has a pretty cool job, she is on a medical helicopter crew that rescues people.  A major problem in our minds is we like to exaggerate and build up how great/cool our interest is.  Unfortunately, she hit a few that caused me problems, being a nurse there was the whole fetish aspect mixed with that nurses are supposed to be hot and caring, then she rode helicopters – which I long had a fascination with aircraft and almost joined military – and lastly did rescues, which was my life for many, many years.

But here is where the learning point is for myself and another else reading this, her job in a lot of ways was PERFECT fuel for my building her up in my mind ‘wow so badass, everyone turns to her, she is riding around in the air saving people’ etc etc, even now I feel this (and I don’t want to tear her down, as I actually enjoy her, I am only expressing thoughts) but my logical part of my brain tells me ‘you gave a shit about air flight crews before she got on radar’ which is a huge key to the whole puzzle.  It’s oneitis-like symptoms.  When I see a different helicopter do I care about THOSE people?  No.  Only the fantasy they represent.

Fast forward a bit, I just got back from a 2 day tryst with her at a resort, this was after about a month of furtive 1-2 texts or calls a week.  As a warning to guys out there, this is the magic number that really fucks you up, as if it is even lower, say 1/month most guys will typically get the clue and move on, every day and you either got that girl or you dislike her.  But this intermittent reinforcement is enough that we start to withdraw right as we get pulled back.  This mixed with the fetish fuel and long hours to think it was easy to become ‘obsessed’ and think of her more than I should.

Then the thoughts always become self-defeating ‘I bet shes doing something cool’ ‘I ain’t doing anything cool’ ‘does she like me?’ ‘why does she like me? she shouldn’t like me’, it will fuck you up on multiple levels, make you criticize yourself endlessly.  The only thing that really helps is other girls, for a while I was chasing a different girl – who was a closet feminist and worst ‘date’ I’d ever been on – which helped me forget.

Despite my own internal drama, I generally kept it cool on the outside, which is what PUA/MGTOW always espouses.  Here was the statements that brought a lot of this home, and remember I am partly caught up on this girl, I see helicopters in other cities and it starts a bad cycle of ‘wow I bet they are doing something cooler’ or ‘She is so cool, why does she like me?’ but she told me that following: she thinks of me a lot, is attracted to my lack of neediness, and is always wondering what I am doing or going.

I contained my laugh, because at the least my neediness did not show, I played it cool.  But here is what also hit me, here was this women I was slightly losing my mind over, thinking so cool of job/life and….SHE WAS THINKING OF ME.

I had built up this massive illusion in my mind, massive self-deprecation along the way, and all it was, was wrong.  I realized I built up this impossible dream, lifting a person into a godlike perfection and it took the fact that Ms.Godlike was thinking of a peon like me to realize it was an illusion I had ascribed her to.  I could tell some others this story and they would shrug their shoulders and not give a shit she flies a helicopter and comes in with night vision goggles to save the day – and that is how I should be if I didn’t have mild obsession.  It was a slap to my face to see that her unassailable fantasy I made up was not that perfect because she wondered what Road Warrior me was up to across the deserts.  I was the badass the girl wondered about…IF I WOULD ONLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF.

^This is kind of like that I didn’t care about that career before her, just like if a commenter told me his perfect girl was a race car driver, or firearm instructor or whatever, its generally IRRELEVANT or red flag-y, I would simple say ‘that’s kind of cool’ but when we do that we start to crush on their attributes rather than the person.  It becomes a caricature, ‘race car driver, hot, hikes’ and it takes a life of its own.  We create these perfect fantasies where ‘if she likes hiking she must like animals, and if she is that caring she must love giving blow jobs, and oh I bet she loves getting fucked from behind, and maybe she will teach me how to drive…’ and then each fast car you see becomes a reminder of ‘Wow Janet could drive that thing really fast I bet…I wonder if I have a chance with her…’

Understanding girls, and in contrast our own mental processes in a quest few take on.  The road is not short, it is not easy, and failures are common, even 4 years in with rotating girls I still struggle with things like neediness or masking desperation but it is a work in progress and I try to grow as much as I can.

This is kind of a personal post so let me know any of your own stories or reactions to what I just said.

Remember the basics with women: Actions > Words

I am going to present to you two girls in my life that are ready to get the boot from my mind as a lesson for those occasionally stuck in girl’s wiles.  I am no pro, far from it, but I have come a very long way and can offer you advice simply based on how addicted I was at times to girls, and how it occasionally resurfaces.

The two girls are two recent slams of mine, this 19 year old and this MILF, for a very brief reminder, I took 19yo virginity about a year ago, I never esp. liked her by she was someone I hung out with and always wished that she was more entertaining but lacked a key vital spark, MILF was a ONS that was a pretty sick take down I wrote about, she was a crazy fun fuck – really lack inhibitions, guess the rumor of nurses being good lays is true.

I treated 19yo kind of like shit, mainly because I knew there was no future and she existed to see how much I could craft her sexuality and how much a girl would take in terms of abuse.  I pushed it pretty hard with a different girl in the past, and in this regard they are stunning.  Her major issue other than lacking energy was this independence/defiance, and she was conservative so this wasnt a liberal thing.  To any girl reading this: DEFIANCE/’INDEPENDENCE’ IS NOT HOT AT ALL – despite anything your fat single friends tell you.

I’d have kicked her earlier, but it was so funny watching this girl, I could get her to drive 10 hours for a fuck and remorselessly kick her out of my truck and busting a nut, I was a bit stunned at my coldness, but she would always be back.  She has been at college a year now, and while I could tolerate her at first, she thinks she is real cute playing games like waiting to text back, being vague etc, the change is definitely notable to me.

Whats funny though, if beyond an intellectual amusement I give a shit about her, I broke her pretty far to my sexual will, and she will have a tough time finding a guy that was like EK in bed.  But thats what happens, when a girl is shitty or evasive I could give a shit about keeping them around, in that regard I have grown so much from the desperation I once had.  I read bodybuilding forum a lot and most of those guys on there are messes with girls, and these are guys you’d expect to be at least a bit of a cut above given a physicality, but guys, you need to get with the program here: WHEN GIRLS ARE BITCHES LET THEM GO AND SPARE YOURSELF SOME PRIDE.

19yo is easy, she is just evasive/unresponsive, its easy to see that for what it is, a ploy to get you to come back harder or that she has moved on, either way your move is same: abort.

MILF took me a bit longer to figure her ploy, we met and fucked a few times after, and she has this thing about being secret from the divorced father and calls me on public phones, weird I know but she always shows up for the fuck and I never thought much about it.  She started getting a lot more relationshipy for a while there, calling and texting how she was thinking about me etc, she actually is pretty cool and I mistakenly allowed myself the thought that you can be good friends with a girl and also fuck buddies – you can’t.  Guys develop feelings too easy generally except when at a full arms length like I kept the 19yo.

Anyway, so thats not where it ends, it perhaps seems like simple ‘old lady wants beta relationship’ but see that where it gets fun, because what I realized was it was a rather skillful strategy she was running, gradually building up her attention to me mixed with completely wild sex, promise me more sex…and then gradually dial it down.  It was subtle, and honestly I dont know if its consciously calculated or simply a result of innate girl abilities, but slow it down enough that I get addicted to intermittent reinforcement to her, and that I start chasing HER.  For reference I would her from her about every 2-3 days and get 1-2 emails a week.

It hit me when I wrote a short paragraph email to her – she had been writing me, and remember I thought we were ‘good friends’ and then a few days later a simple ‘thinking of you :) ‘ -which by the way is nearly the EXACT same line the BPD girl who fucked me up used all the time which makes me think its an established girl routine.  But it hit me in that I was getting in over my head, that a MILF i fucked on occasion I was developing feelings for, and I saw with clarity how skillfully she was trying to get me into her web.  It was no accident I hadn’t heard from her in a week, before she had been talking how she was making plans to come visit me any weekend now, and that the only email was a dumb 3 word thing amidst the silence.  She was trying to game me, friends don’t game friends.

It slapped me a bit, but it sobered me up, once pre-bpd girl I would have clung to this email, yay, she is thinking of me.  But girls actions are EVERYTHING, girls will drives hours to fuck you, and if they aren’t answering a text or email it is entirely for a reason.

Again, it doesn’t really matter the reason, either she no longer likes you, you pushed to hard, she is trying to game you and the answer is always the same: disengage.  You may not need to abandon completely, but none of those reasons are good for you and only by pulling back, realizing it, can you ever salvage anything.

NEVER EVER make excuses, oh she must be busy, so glad she could write me THREE WORDS…girls come in waves, you simply have to know when its time to move on.

Of Africans and Europeans

I was running a drilling rig today – yes some men actually have jobs and do manly things, and oddly there was a  group of students from a university with us to get samples, all of them were graduates, and all of them were foreign, despite it being a USA school – guess despite their bitching about americans still want to be here

3 of them, one guy from france, fairly outgoing and capitalized female attention but had that gay metrosexual down to an art.  I bet he actually DOES get some girls, but I have no idea the quality.

The two others one was perhaps from spain, cute face but a bit of a man jaw, nice body but a bit too small and lacking meat nearly anywhere.  I talked her a bit but she wasn’t feeling it.  Last was a girl from Tunis, really nice but a bit fat, she was fun to talk to.  What I thought was interesting, was I asked her, ‘do you consider yourself european or african’ – knowing of course that tunis WAS on Africa, but what modern euro-like girl wants to be from the shithole of the world?

Her answer I thought was pretty telling for its simplicity ‘We are North Africans’, I had to laugh, she even proceeded to slyly smile and mention some comment about how bad the rest of Africa is.  So despite any protests to the contrary, even hyper-feminized euro zone STILL did not want to be associated with the jamal capital of the world.  It’d kind of be like ‘hey arent you an american?’ ‘Nope, I’m a west coastian’.

Anyway, I found it a bit ironic these people were here, part of masters/phd training, inevitably thinking I was ‘dumb’ because I was on a drilling rig, I smiled to myself thinking of that I had nearly concurrent education as them, and wondering would they succeed in the over-flooded education world we find ourselves, or would someone somewhere think they are perfect and pay an overinflated wage in the waning years of this global empire before it all crashes and burns?