Post Break up

Well, been a pretty busy last couple of weeks, I broke up with the nurse a little over a week ago.  Ironic coming off a 2 day stint of having sex with her repeadedly in a hotel room.  She said she loved me, I stupidly said I loved her back.  I had forced myself to not answer her calls (which had increased to about 3 a day) until I answered one of them and told her ‘I cant keep seeing you.’

To any outsider it might seem somewhat stupid, after all this was a women in her 40s, had kids, STILL MARRIED, had a busy job, but I didn’t know any of this when I first met her, her looks hid her age (thought maybe 30s honestly).  When I found out that the husband still lived at her house it became obvivous she was decitful in at least some capcity when she said it was over with him and trying to move on.

Anyway the call was tearful, she was begging me to not leave ‘but I miss you so much’ ‘are you sure’ ‘how do you know there is no future with us!?’ ‘my husband just wont leave’ ‘you arent going to live there forever’, anyway the call ended when she said ‘our song’ came on the radio, was crying and hung up.

I cried pretty good, this was a women who I actually ‘loved’ in some sense, we had sex a lot and she read my book, we could be open around each other, plus I felt bad ‘hurting’ her.

2 days later i got an email from her ‘are you sure about this?’ and thats all it wrote, messed with me a bit.

Then about yesterday a new feeling came in: anger.  (Please dont mention that stupid shit of DABDA, I really hate that model)

I started to become pissed and hateful at her: how the hell could she say she loved me and NOT GIVE A SHIT I JUST DUMPED HER!?  How could she do and say all these things and just let me walk out with a single email sentence?  I can’t believe all her lies I finally allowed myself to accept.

How much she utterly fucked with me about ‘oh I’ll come visit that city you are in this week’ and itd be a week of silence then ‘oh sorry, too busy to make it!~’

How she would text me, then go silent if it went in a direction she didnt like

How I couldn’t EVER call her

How my sacrafices apparently were nothing and she was risking ‘everything’ to be with me for some cock.

How weak I was that I feel for someone who was so worthless to me.

How utterly arrogant she was, how she was the hero of the entire state for flight trauma nurse, disgusting how I believed it and it cut down my own self-image.

 

I have a dark burning anger towards her, its strange given that I ‘loved’ her about 2 weeks ago as we were having sex, but anger burns away delusion like the last BPD girl.  I have a problem being attracted to cluster b personaility types, and I am working on it, but she is out of her, and I am improving.

Over-coming codependent tendencies

So, a lot has happened in only a few days, I have long believed in self-improvement and have been diligent but I have been stalled out and fucked up for a long time on this flight nurse woman despite the massive red flags and general ‘get the hell out of there’ advice I got from people, a reader named Wais said I might be codependent and recommended a blog therawness, i was skeptical but checked it out.  (The relevant part is the 6 part letter series: http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-1/ )

Codependent?  Yeah fucking right, I imagined some women who needed to ask her husband what to wear, if to be happy etc etc.  I was sincerely surprised when i realized I have MANY tendencies that stem from childhood and were all rooted in the fucked up problems I was having with the nurse – who by the way I can honestly say was occupying disturbing levels of my time, look to the prior post ‘oneitis’ (http://wp.me/p2YaVQ-ly) even most of my posts recently were about her, what the hell was wrong with me?

This will be a slightly ongoing thing as I have painfully unlocked some deeply disturbing things in my mind, and slowly processing what it means.  Namely, my codependency (copd) was such that I valued external validation as that was how I got value, that I was not fundamentally valuable just as EK, but I needed to be ‘the firefighter’ ‘the smart guy’ these ego identifications, that when I saved someone how could I NOT have value?  That was the perverse logic, and what many never escape. (https://eruditeknight.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/adrenaline-in-the-service-of-others-only-drugging-a-hole-in-our-heart/)

It led me to ALL SORTS of fucked up things, that I had to prove myself to be valuable, that I regretted my new job – likely because no one saw me thus how could I be validated, meanwhile my nurse friend bragged endlessly about how many people she saved – why she became so huge in my life.

The reasons she did, was that she represented both a narcissistic/emotional avoidant person who copd apparently are deeply attracted to as they feed off each others weaknesses and her bragging/job represented a WAY TO REDEEM MY VALUELESSNESS – again I never thought this consciously until now.

How could I have value?  My ego wondered.  I’m busy drilling in the desert, no one gives a shit about me, meanwhile she is in parades, children are lauding her, riding in to save the day, these thoughts were pure POISON to my mind.  Distortions based on the simple fact I could not validate myself because I was stuck in childhood patterns of needing to prove myself.

I am not ‘cured’ by any stretch, but I have literally spent hours upon hours the last couple days occupied by nothing but these dark, dark thoughts about how many of my goals, dreams, aspirations were all for chasing a redemption of childhood that would never come.  The nurse represented a validator of sorts that ‘oh EK you are so hot and fun to be with’ mixed with days/weeks of emotional avoidance that triggered me to ‘try harder’ to win her approval, maybe if I changed my job to flight nurse she would love me and my good child inside would finally be loved!

I have grappled with some dark, repulsive thoughts, about how many of my dreams were actually misguided, how that child NEVER WILL BE REDEEMED, but that this is ok, that all i need to to is be aware of the scars that I have from my past.  The biggest thing is that the worthless person I fear I am is just as fictional as the inhuman badass I think I need to strive to be, both of them are severely damaging.  The ‘badass’ sends me down the road of things that ultimately are NOT rooted in self-validation, that it is to prove myself to the world so that ‘finally’ I can be redeemed as ‘someone worthwhile’ and likewise the worthless false self is just as bad and wrong that just because I wont have a parade for me when I die doesnt mean my worth as a person is zero – because it is myself who determines that.

(For the record, my obsession with the nurse has been fairly obliterated in only a few short days with the magnitude of these revelations, I havent talked to her since last week, she called multiple times on different numbers today, she is going to get desperate, not sure what I will do, but its such a side issue compared to examining the self-damage I have sustained.)

Patterns of subtle emotional abuse from women NPD/BPD

For any long readers of my blog the thing that started this was me recovering from a BPD girl, which is the case of a lot of red pill / manosphere types, but it is a pattern a LOT of women exhibit.  I am reminded because I became aware of this recently with a new girl.

For new readers or guys struggling with BPD/NPD here are some basics:

*Fast Connection – You feel like you’ve known this person forever, rapidly open up to them

*Push /Pull – This is a HUGE one, they are cold days/weeks then suddenly they miss you deeply, love you etc etc.  It is a very dangerous pattern.

* INTENSE – This is part of push/pull about where things will be super fast, you will be having sex within a week, having sex daily, it will seem perfect

*Lack of empathy – This will be highly camouflaged but the truth

*Selfish – All about her

I am not sure why I apparently am occasionally attracted to these girls, maybe how fast the sex is suddenly flowing and how real/intense it seems amidst the drudgery of life.  It becomes addictive that this feels so ‘real’ that everything else fades away and all you think about it her.

I’d be caught up on this milf for a long time, longer than I should have, and it had been fucking with me for a while, I had been re-living patterns of about 4 years ago with the BPD girl.  I was clinging to the occasional contact, the intense feeling, the ‘love’.  I knew it was bad, but I still proceeded forward.

I begun to doubt myself (this happens all the time with these types, you think you are the crazy one), maybe I should just be tougher, maybe not give a shit, but they are crafty.  Its a perfect balance of silence for a while then suddenly a little gift for you, or some heartfelt apology and it feels all normal again.

I saw my milf this week, it was a trip long in the planing, I found out she is married – which she never told me – I don’t espeically care about the morality of her choice but never being told hurts.  She didn’t even mention I had to drag it out to find out the husband sitll lives at home.  Again its hard when she is taking your cock with reckless abadon to think you need to get out of there.

I wanted to be nice to her since her friend recently died, but part of my mind wanted/needed to ‘break up’ with her, but I didn’t.  However I did talk to her about my concerns, but she dismissed all of them, especially with pseudo-ultimatums ‘if this is too hard you can leave me just because my friend died’ ‘if you want to be done just because im at the lowest point in my life go ahead’.

Anyway the next day I was pretty pissed at her, she didn’t get it at all.  I was in a sobering rage and working out hard/ reading.  Then a knock at my hotel – she had come in a complete surprise to my room.  We had sex but it was different, I felt distance because she did not want to listen to me, my problems were meaningless and it was her making the sacrafices.

I felt bad for her honestly, she even dumped down ‘I love you’ on me, only words but maybe meaning something. She was saying to ‘not forget her’ when I left, and ‘remember this is real between us’, in a way I see the desperation for what it is, and my empathy feels bad for a fellow human.

She called me 3x the next day, leaving messages about she wouldnt call for a week, but then got a call from her the very next day, I stupidly answered and it was more of the same ‘miss you miss you!’ ‘please dont forget me’.  I told her ‘a few days in the desert will sober me up i’ll forget about women’.

Its weird, I know she has done emotional damage to me because I questioned myself, most of the things we talked about were how my activities were dumb, but how cool of things she had recently done.  Its hard with her being medevac trauma nurse because there is SOME legitimacy to her stories, but it pisses me the fuck off so bad when all it is, is ‘oh saved some motorcyclist today’ ‘oh had to land on the mountain and save a guy today’ ‘im one of 9 nurses who are qualified to transport this guy’.  Ugh, just thinking of the bragging pisses me the fuck off so bad.

Anger is SOBERING, as a man you absolutely need to embrace you anger, it will burn away so much illusion.  Anger wants to crush that which is stopping you, when you are in a hole the only thing you can do is keep climbing.  I am not sure what is next in this fucked up tale, but things have changed as the perfection is long gone, and while a night of sex made us ‘closer’ with her insistence of love the pure aggravation and drama is wearing very thin on me.  Only her ‘coolness’/’elite-ness’ is at all keeping her around, my fantasy of her being this badass the whole city looks to, to save the day is one final illusion I must utterly burn away but it is hard as its rooted in some fact.

The Cultural Marxism / Dialectic of the ‘RIGHT/LEFT’

Im on the road again with a republican coworker so that means endless Rush Limbaugh and Fox news.  The painful irony is a LOT of what he says is true, but its wrapped up in the Dialectic that no one sees the real deal going on here.

They ENDLESSLY bash hillary, I hate the bitch too, but they act like she is a paragon of democratic ideas and virtue, not the reality that is she just as warhawkish as bush/noobama are/were.  Of course she is going to be pro gays and anti white, not because she is a democrat but because the powers in control want that, they want to only force that can challenge them left in shatters.

They are big fans of donald trump, which based on his words are pretty legit about most mexicans are rapists and should be deported, great – if he did it.  I am very, very skeptical that someone as rich as him is NOT in the hands of the jews or anyone else in actual control, just no way it happens.

Then they turn to bashing greece, about this is the failure of a ‘socialistic’ state, and this is what happens when its not every man for himself – absent the narrative of course is why mega banks were even invovled and why a NATION has to pay some entity or risk finicial meltdown.  Good luck greece.

Jingoism, police state lock downs, and no one giving a shit

I just got back from a parade at my new town, it was pretty decent sized, of course a million flags waving everywhere and ‘thanking the vets for their service’, but it always felt so shallow to me.  I remember through my early 20’s rapidly coming to a wisdom of that NO ONE GAVE A SHIT if you as a solider lived or died in Iraq, the names endlessly rolled by of ‘those who died for freedom’ and up next did you see what happened on dancing with the stars last night!?

Meanwhile on the news New York city is in complete police state lock down, the headline is ‘police use high tech gadgets to keep 4th safe for everyone’ then it proceeds to show helicopters, boats, dogs, night vision goggles, police running around with shitty ARs all in the name of FREEDUMB.  It really shows how gone we are, we are CELEBRATING the lockdown, just like the boston bombing where the city CHEERED as police pounded through everyones house.

One thing that kind of struck me today to, was I mentioned that med flight crash yesterday, the women I am occasionally involved with of course is heartbroken over knowing the crew, and I loosely, very loosely, knew them, but it seemed like a big deal, a big time flight CRASH wtf else would be on front page news?  But I talked to a flight paramedic today here, and he knew NOTHING about it, no front page news anywhere, NOTHING.

It seemed big to me because I was once involved in that type of stuff, but the rest of society gave a shit.  It hit me that I was like the shitty solider or marine, society lays these dumb accolades of how brave and selfless we are but when inevitably plowed down into death no one gives a shit, just change the channel or pop in a new movie.

How utterly distorted we have become.  We celebrate the military for our freeDUMB yet in no way truly give a shit about the ‘sacrifices’, we wave our flags and meanwhile accept our lockdown.  All that is left is we retreat into insular communities like the EMS community where they cry for their crew lost, thinking it matters at all, that it was important, ignoring the harsh truth that NO ONE KNOWS AND NO ONE CARES.

Flight for Life Helicopter crash…divine sign?

There was a Flight for Life helicopter crash that just went down less than an hour ago, heard straight from a source, the flight nurse I am involved with who called me crying.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/mountains/deputies-respond-to-reported-helicopter-crash-in-frisco-south-of-dillon-reservoir

As many of my readers know I’ve been in an existential crisis lately wondering if I need to change careers and was fascinated by the rush of the action of flight evac.  This was a pretty rare deal, especially for FFL so it will have a huge impact in the industry, but I can’t help but wonder if I should look at this as a divine sign of something to not get involved with.

It was intense hearing from her in tears ‘something bad just happened’ my mind went to a lot of other things that could be bad for me, but I did not expect this.

The danger of secrets and chasing sex at cost of family

I am going to relate a short tale of a lesson I learned this week, it involves me chasing sex too much at the cost of my family and the lies necessary to make it happen.

I took a week off to come back to see my family and my sister who was in town, we had some plans for events.  I also had a women in the wings I would be having sex with (the milf/nurse).

From the get-go it required lies, because I would have to dip out of family dinners etc to go pounding.  Sitting here at the end, I realize how stupid I was for falling victim to this addictive desire.  I am close to my family, and to have to lie is a huge rarity, so what, so I could go hook up with an older woman who I shouldnt even be bothering with anyway.

What really hit home was I took my motorcycle out ‘for a ride’ but to go see the milf to pound, later my dad told me my sister was worried about me, that I was out gone so long but must have been ‘meditating’.  I was a bit crushed inside, she had this grand vision of me, and what the fuck was I doing?  LYING and fucking some women I shouldnt be involved with.

I could tell things about how the nurse told me how much I matter to her, how she cried (a very human thing I might add) at me leaving her for a while, or how sex with her is no holds barred…but wtf is the point?  I havent seen my sis in months, and my parents/dogs in a while either and I was lying to them to slam some pussy.

It was a dark reminder to me of how deep I had fallen.  The ‘relationship’ with the nurse is confusing, one-way and likely going to end bad (she either tries to trap and I bail, or she was using me all along) but my relationship with my family is real, and I was sacraficing it.

This is for myself and anyone reading it, PUA/MGTOW etc somewhat preach sex as the be all end all, but after a week of debauchery I look back on it and think ‘holy shit, I may never see some of my family again, and I was wasting these hours fucking some woman’

It is painful, but I am going to internalize how very secondary sex is to much more important things.